Hi Robert and Melissa. I hope this day is a good one for both of you.
Ya know, Robert, the switch to 'Robert', though not "mandatory," seems a bit awkward at first, but I used my own experience as a reference. I was called 'Stephen' by family and other people throughout my childhood. Later on, when people started calling me 'Steve', and though it didn't offend me in any way, it just didn't feel right. I always introduce myself as "Stephen," but many people quickly took and take the shortcut, some asking if it's okay with me to do so. I grew up as 'Stephen'; 'Steve' could be anyone. Okay, I'm done with that.
This thread is extremely helpful, and has become something of group therapy for me. This is, I think, Robert, a measure of your natural ability to inspire others, which was evident long before your current struggles. I think that's also why so many of us love you. So many different revelations and sharing of intimate feelings related to anything from joy to horror. I imagine that, as is true for me, many of these expressions are cleansing, transformational or just eye-opening, though I do loathe attempting to capture such events with a single word.
It's become impossible for me, both in terms of time and emotional availability, to respond to each and every one of them, but I do read them all. I wouldn't miss a single one. (I can see that this is going to be a long post so, as I often do in such circumstances, I'll copy and save along the way, as Dee recently suggested on another thread in response to people reporting that they lost their comments. Just sayin'. I'll also admit that I've "lost" comments in the past and was better off for having done so.)
My recent contribution on amends led to others sharing their own thoughts, feelings and experiences in this area. I didn't intend to provide a template for everyone, but instead wanted to share my very particular experiences. Because I cannot recall with any precision who wrote what, I'll not mention everyone's name who contributed to this sub-thread. I'm also certain that I've misinterpreted what some people have written, and that's fine with me.
Yes, haennie. Guilt can be a powerful motivator, and may be a requirement in the process of making amends. I did not intend to communicate that guilt played a minimal role in the process or no role at all. Ideally, we learn as children that when we hurt someone else, often when we see them cry, we have a bad feeling about doing the hurting and interpret on some level that the bad feeling is a kind of "punishment" for what we've done. We sometimes immediately, but usually over time, attempt to avoid this internal punishment by avoiding the behavior that brought it on in the first place (a la Operant Conditioning). People within certain categories of psychiatric disorders (Narcissistic Personality Disorder, e.g.) never make this connection, or at least not completely, and consequently are more or less indifferent to the harm they bring to others. In extreme cases, such as in Anti-social Personality Disorder -- what we call "psychopaths" or euphemistically refer to as "sociopaths" -- not only is the feeling of guilt completely unavailable, but they experience both arousal and satisfaction in harming others, often in horrifying and grotesque ways, as can be seen with serial killers.
When the process of making amends stops at relieving guilt, we are in the same place as the child who has just learned that guilt is "bad," and is to be avoided. (This is, I think, along the lines of what Robert described as guilt being a step along the way, rather than some moral end point.) A higher-level appreciation of harm is required for what I refer to as "making amends." That guilt is not only a signal that I've harmed someone or have done something "wrong," but that I've crossed into a realm of my own existence that is not at all self-sustaining in terms of authenticity and other personal values. It doesn't at all make me less human, but it does, in my way of being, disrupt the greater Universe and, more importantly, increases suffering in others. It's a reminder that other people are as fragile as I am, and that my willingness to accept taking responsibility for caring for myself, though perhaps enlightening, is not always enough.
Making amends according the prescription in the AA Big Book is a serious matter that involves painstaking self-reflection. It is more about when I am ready to do so rather than my estimation that the person I harmed is ready in any comprehensive way. This is only one reason why the action part of making amends is in Step Nine of Twelve, and why it is recommended to do so under the guidance of a sponsor, spiritual adviser, or someone else who we trust. And the general idea is to do no harm: "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." "Others" includes the person making amends. I don't go to the husband of the woman I was screwing around with to apologize for reasons that, I believe, are obvious. And I don't necessarily tell my wife that I was cheating on her. There is no blanket solution for every case. If I've stolen from my boss, but I need to support my family, I can send a monthly payment, anonymously, via money order, e.g., until my debt is paid. The list is endless.
One could also make a good argument for the fact that some harms are not to be forgiven. Suffering continuous and regular abuse at the hands of our parents during childhood and after is an example of such circumstances. It's not up to me to decide who should and should not make amends or forgive in every circumstance. When the goal of making amends is to set things right in my own life, and to repair the ruptures I've created for other people (to the best of my abilities), there are several variables to consider, and easy choices are as rare as they are welcome. When I've made amends, it's never been a simple apology for being a dick. I almost always include positive things about the other person...about their generosity towards me, their acts of love and caring, their capacity for tolerance and patience, their willingness to help me through difficult times, their seemingly endless capacity for good will, and their very desire to include me in their lives. In terms of work, it's about someone having given me an opportunity to work, to expand my knowledge and skills, to find additional purpose in my life, and to allow me to continue working until doing so was no longer possible. Making amends, for me, is nothing without also expressing gratitude for having had a relationship with the person I've harmed. If relieving guilt were my goal, and if that's all that I've achieved, then, in that case, all I've gotten is another thing to be guilty about.
Back to my other point...I need to know, truly know, that I'm ready to make amends. That my intentions are more or less pure. That my motivation isn't grounded in my desire to "feel better." (Wanting to "feel better" is what got me in trouble in the first place.) That I have a clear idea in my mind that my making amends will result in some benefit, though the precise nature of that benefit currently eludes me, and may not be the benefit I desire. And that the possibility exists that I may never know what that benefit is. In the end, making amends is an act of faith.
Virtually all treatments and programs for alcoholism and other addictions offer opportunities to grow as people, to guide me towards being on intimate terms with who I am as a person. Despite my personal and professional bias, I've seen psychotherapy work wonders in this regard. And though what we refer to as "counseling" can help, the dynamics, the goals and the practices of counseling are not geared towards the in-depth work that is the hallmark of many psychotherapies. I practice a type of existential psychotherapy, in which believing that you are capable of making choices about who you want to be is a crucial element in the process. When things go well, people are able to discover, search for or assign meaning and purpose to their lives. Perhaps the greatest obstacle to these achievements is the inability to forgive ourselves, which we all know is a popular topic on SR. For me, making amends has been among the best ways for me to learn to forgive myself, and to move on and grow as a person.
It is both a clichè and a truism that those human activities against which we put up the most relentless resistance (with the exception of acts of bad faith and destruction) are the very things that will grant us redemption, allow us to flourish in our humanity and in our existence, and that will, ultimately, bring us to a much better place.