Butterfly, what stands out for me in your post is the immense progress you've made in the past 15 months. Look at all of the insights you've had and the resulting changes in your behavior - -
"In some ways I feel that I have moved on, I've recognised that my marriage was toxic, that he was abusive and was never going to change and fulfil his promises. But I've also recognised my part, my obsessive and controlling tendencies, insecurities and so much more. I also recognise that I was this way due to childhood and also due to how he treated me throughout my marriage. I'm not placing the blame solely on him, I'm responsible for my own behaviour!! I'm still anxious and insecure but I look forward to coming home and the weekends no longer worrying what mood he would be in, if he would drink that weekend, sneak out, drive or not come home. I can now sleep at night. I no longer worry about what he is doing and my home is so peaceful with the exception of teenage dramas lol."
This is huge!!!!! Take a long moment and savor your growth and your success!!!!! I think that being able to acknowledge our own growth and take pleasure in it is part of recovery. It is part of assimilating the "new and happier me" into our own self-image.
Yes, there is more to learn, more anxieties and insecurities to examine understand, and release. For me, it was over two and a half years before I felt confident in my own skin again.
I didn't seriously date or entertain a relationship with any one else until I felt comfortable with my relationship with myself. So, I'd suggest that as a measure of when you truly feel ready to start dating. In the meantime, it is fine to have friends and explore what you like to do, let your true self emerge day by day.
As to how you reacted to the man in question, it seems that you sort of lifted your own relationship angst, (probably from your childhood and marriage), and sat it down on top of your new relationship with the man, then acted out your behavior script as if he was acting the way your former husband and parents did. It doesn't sound as if the new man was giving you signals to respond as you did; it sounds more like programmed behavior from past trauma that you superimposed on this new friendship.
So, if that is at all accurate, it is a huge "heads-up" as to where you want to focus next in understanding your past behavior and growing beyond it. The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships [Patrick Carnes Ph.D.] is a fabulous book about this that you might find helpful.
Take heart! Your progress is super, and it is the human condition to always see another place to grow ahead.
ShootingStar1