Sleepie- you have got to be easier on yourself. You wouldn't speak to a friend or a stranger the way you speak to yourself. That needs to stop. Most people I know struggle with making change. It doesn't make you a ****** ( which is an extremely offensive word)
I don't know what country you live in but is it possible for you to get a medical leave of some kind so you can work on your emotional state for a while and find a different job?