15 months
It was 15 months yesterday since ex a walked out. I didn't even realise at first and when I did I had to add up the months, suppose that's something I'm not automatically remembering the day.
In some ways I feel that I have moved on, I've recognised that my marriage was toxic, that he was abusive and was never going to change and fulfil his promises. But I've also recognised my part, my obsessive and controlling tendencies, insecurities and so much more. I also recognise that I was this way due to childhood and also due to how he treated me throughout my marriage. I'm not placing the blame solely on him, I'm responsible for my own behaviour!! I'm still anxious and insecure but I look forward to coming home and the weekends no longer worrying what mood he would be in, if he would drink that weekend, sneak out, drive or not come home. I can now sleep at night. I no longer worry about what he is doing and my home is so peaceful with the exception of teenage dramas lol.
But here's where I am still stuck, I'm still obsessive and insecure, still deeply hurt, still feel that if someone doesn't want to be with me that I've done something wrong and want to know why and what I did so I can fix it suppose fix me so I will be someone they like and want to be with.
I still say things I don't mean. Take recent old friend, I told him Honestly I wasn't ready for more than friendship that I was still getting over my marriage and I needed to find out who I was as I had no idea. etc but when it seemed he wanted more I said I was ready when I wasn't, told him I knew who I was etc. I think I did this because I thought if I didn't he wouldn't want to be friends. In the end I blew it because he changed his mind and Did just want to be friends and I didn't know what I had done wrong and went into crazy mode trying to fix it. He was so full on at the start and I enjoyed the attention then he backed off and I didn't understand why. This was unconscious and thinking about it now I acted automatically, say something to keep him, so he will like you be what he wants. I got so caught up in my old behaviours I didn't even know I was doing it so he would like me and wouldn't reject me and I could prove to myself that I am someone people want to be around.
Yes I knew the behaviours after acted to ease my anxiety but as I know this only works for a while then my anxiety escalates again.
So what have I learned, to keep in mind what I need at this time not what someone else wants. If that person can't accept who I am and where I am in my life then that's ok. What's more important is that I don't rush into anything and think clearly and remember where I am and what I am ready for.
Maybe I'm just not ready for new people in my life, not until I can manage my own emotions and behaviours.