Jenny;
This is from the book, Healing From Family Rifts. I found it helpful. Read it; print it out and sign it. The kids will get the message. Heck, they can sign it too!
Your Personal Bill of Rights
The right to feel good about who I am
The freedom to say what I please and the wisdom to know when to say it
The freedom to protect myself in a responsible and mature manner.
The right to ask for what I want, and the wisdom to know where and whom to ask.
The right to exercise my innate creative abilities.
The freedom to say no to a family member when dictated by my best interest.
The right to respectful and dignified treatment.
The right to know who I am.
The freedom to know what I want.
The right to choose the life I want.
The right to assert my likes and dislikes.
The right to accept myslef for who I am.
The freedom to regulate my thoughts and feelings without the input of another person.
The freedom to cultivate interests and points of view.
The right to tolerate points of view that differ from mine.
The ability to accommodate another person without losing my own identit.
The freedom to assert my rights without fear of loss of love.
The freedom to assert my rights without fear of rejection and abandonment.
The freedom to assert my rights without fear of physical or mental punishment.
The right to say no.
The right to feel alive.
The right to believe that I am likable.
The right to make choices in my life.
The freedom to choose my own friends.
The right to set boundaries that will be respected.
The right to follow my own interests.
What I see is that you have accomplished so much on your own. That is a wonderful thing for which you should be so proud of yourself!!!
Also, that your family has violated your personal rights. It's wrong, and you recognize it as such. But, that is THEIR behavior. You cannot change them. You can only change your reaction to them. I think what you said to them on the steps was right on!
But, for your kids? Well, teaching them that they - and you - have the RIGHT to be treated with respect is the lesson they need. Treating yourself with respect is the way to model that expectation to them.
You may not have to end all contact with your family. Perhaps a break will do. I did from my family of origen a few years back. Afterwards, you can come back renewed, energised and full of self respect.
That attitude and behavior will shine!
More importantly, the kids will experience, (not just hear), the difference in behavior - YOURS!!!
Please consider getting the book. I am finding it very helpful for myself. I do highly recomend it!
Shalom!