Originally Posted by
LemonGirl 
Idk Noinsanity.... I don't think it's necessarily that the alcoholic doesn't love or have feelings.... I think they feel it. And then they numb it all out with alcohol... inevitably worsening their pain as time goes on they continue to drink.
"A normal person might quit a certain behavior if they really did love you....." I just don't see it that way. I do however believe that the need to have a drink is just way more important..... I have read countless posts from alcoholics about all the shame and guilt they feel for having done things to those who love them. Others can't even remember because they were in a black-out drunken stupor. The fact is, the active alcoholic cannot see any of it for what it really is, and quite frankly, they don't want to. The truth is scary. It would mean they actually have to deal with themselves and all the creepy emotions they feel.
Anyway, all this means is that you don't have to take it personally. It IS terribly frustrating! But again, all we can do is choose how to remove ourselves from the behaviors of others that we have no control over.
And, I miss my xabf most days as well. It is a funny thing dealing with an addict... we have all sorts of jumbled memories from the best ever to the most horrific ever. And somehow, we either sit and idealize them and deny, or we get upset and over-react, and never really seem to land somewhere in the middle where reality is reality....
True that. Maybe it is the need to drink that just overrides everything else, but at the same time, she could have chosen at any point to get help with that need. At the end of the day, she's still responsible for her choice to drink and not get help. I can get that she doesn't have the capacity to see beyond the alcohol, but that doesn't take away her responsibility for her choice to keep drinking. She's had plenty of chances to get better, and I explained it every way I could. She doesn't have the ability to let it go. Until she admits that it's a problem she can't solve on her own, she will keep repeating the cycle.
Anyway, something interesting happened today. It's been easier letting go of my ex and realizing that none of her behavior was about me. Yes, it hurt me, but it wasn't done with the goal of hurting me. Hurting me was a side effect of her need to satisfy her addiction. Yes, it hurt when she locked me out of the bathroom while she was in there drunk with the lesbian. Yes, it hurt to go get her at 3 in the morning and find her locked in the bedroom with the lesbian. Yes, it hurt me to find out that she tried to make out with a guy while drunk. Yes, it really hurt me when she provoked her Dad into pulling a gun during that drunken heated argument. Truth be told, all of that hurt, but she didn't do it to hurt me. In fact, I don't think she even thought about me while she was doing it. The only thing she could see was her need to satisfy her addiction while she was drunk. It seems to me that she uses the alcohol and being drunk as an excuse to act out sexually. Given her history of sexual abuse by her dad, the fact that she felt abandoned when he kicked her mom and family out to move in another woman, and the fact that she told me she went crazy acting out (drugs, alcohol, sex with multiple partners while drunk) before she met me because of her anger towards him, that seems to make the most sense.
Aside from trying to explain my XA fiance, I recently connected with her brother's ex girlfriend. This girl had been made out to be the villian, both by my XA fiance and her brother. I was told a completely different version of events, and upon asking this girl, I understood now why she left. In fact, she left for the same reasons that I did. I know that my fiance's brother is an alcoholic, and I found it odd that they seemed so similar to me. They always seemed to take each other's side and anyone that spoke out against the drinking or their behavior was made out to be the villian. Anyway, it was really validating to reconnect with his ex girlfriend and find out that my ex is just like her brother. She told me that both of them choose to drink, but they just don't see how their drinking hurts people. Now it all makes sense, and I can just see how being with her completely warped my view of everything.
I'm never going to let someone define what rational behavior, love, right, wrong, or who others are to me. I will never let someone define how I should feel or act. Most importantly, I will never let anyone tell me who I am ever again. Every day, I get another revelation of why leaving was my only choice.
I think I can forgive her and move on. I really hope that someday she chooses to get better, before it's too late. I won't stay angry at her forever because I don't think she deserves the power to change who I am. I can accept that she did the best she could, even though it was harmful to me, and that she couldn't do better because she didn't know any other way. I can accept that everything that she does, she does to herself. It's not to hurt me or cause me pain. It's to mask her own pain, even though the behavior is destructive. It hurts seeing her go and knowing that she will eventually find another victim, but it's better than being the victim. I don't deserve to be with someone that hurts me instead of loving and appreciating me.
When I completely move past this, I'm going to wait for someone that values themselves as much as me. I deserve someone that respects me, doesn't complicate my life, that I can trust, and that is mature enough to know how to behave when in a relationship. I deserve better.
Every day gets easier. I think about her less and less. I think I can move on if I keep trying.