Thank you so much for responding. I am sorry to bother you again but there is something I have to tell someone who can maybe help. One of the reasons I felt the need to tell my mom how much pain she has caused me by allowing me to go through what my father did to me is that during our visit she said something so painful I do not know how to get through it.
I grew up being treated very differently than my brother and sister. They got more than I did, were not punished like I was and my mother would defend them to my drunken father. I never knew why but always felt like an outsider. During her visit, we were talking about having babies and giving birth and she went on to tell me about when I was born. My sister is the oldest and then my mother had a stillbirth. The baby was a girl and had spina bifida. Then, my mother got pregnant with my brother and I (who are twins). Being born in 1969, it was before the age of ultra sounds and my mother had no idea she was having twins. Here is what she told me Friday night:
" I had your sister and then I had the other baby. The baby died and I was devastated. I got pregnant with you and your brother but had no clue I was having twins. I wanted a boy. I wanted a boy and a girl and then to be done with it. When you were born, I looked down and thought; "This baby looks like the baby I lost..." .....I asked the doctors and nurses what you were and they said "A girl".....I laid back in the bed and said..."UUURRRGGGGHHH", I did NOT want another girl. And you looked like the baby that died. Then, I started having contractions and they told me I was having twins.......your brother was born....and I had the son I wanted".........
In a way, I am relieved to have the explanation as to why I didn't fit in and why I was singled out. On the other hand, even though I am 35, I hurt so deeply. I didn't ask to be born. They have screwed me up. I have NO idea how to fix that. I guess what I am trying to say is that I didn't really need the confirmation that I was punished my whole life for being the child they didn't want. I just wasn't ready for it. And then to have my sister in law, who has no idea of any of this, who my brother married because she 'fits' the dysfunction be so abusive and mean to me has just sent me over the edge. I am so afraid of the pain. My husband is trying but he just doesn't understand. Thankfully, he has 12 years of witnessing all of their lies and drama that he tries to protect me. But he can't fix the inside and I don't know how to do it either. I am so afraid I will end up like my family. I am soooo afraid I will do the same thing to my children. One of the things I said to my mother is " I look at my children and I cannot imagine talking about them behind their backs like you do to me". I am so afraid that I will be like her ( I look just like her). I am so afraid that every lie they told about me will become a self-fulfilling prophesy. I feel myself sinking so deep into a hole. I wish there were somewhere to go. I have found myself, in the 2 days since they left, not being able to be very 'available' to my kids. I look like crap and feel like crap too. I am scared of what I am feeling. I also feel like screaming and yelling and punching holes in the walls. I feel so much rage, but if I were to call my family, they would say (I've heard it a million times) "See how she acts??" "See what WE have to deal with??" My husband has told me that if they call he wants to deal with them and stand up for me. On the one hand I am so incredibly thankful for having someone who loves me, I still, after all the years of him sticking by my side (after they portrayed me as a BAD person) know that then their 'blame' will be switched over to him. It becomes: "see what a bad son in law we have??" And then I feel guilty for putting him through it. His family has been so much more normal to us. They don't have alot of money but emotionally have been wonderful. How sad that my lack of worth compels me to now feel guilty for my own husband standing up for me. I just hurt so bad and feel so unworthy, I have difficulty believing him. Poor guy. Anyway, I know you have things to deal with. I just feel better putting all of this into words. I hope some of it makes sense. Thanks for reading. Jennybear35.