Thanks guys, there's lots to chew on here. I just love the Fire Twins (Bolt & Sprite)! You guys really break it down. Believe it or not, I don't walk about in a rage. It just pops out of nowhere and I am trying to learn how to catch it. I'm past the "hide the sharp objects" stage. I'm just struggling bad on not isolating. I'm an introvert, so isolating is my first nature even when I'm at my peak. I recognize at this point the angry voice in my head is the residual of issues not quite as resolved as I thought, so I go back and look and the little beastie crying out for attention and ask "what now?" "What do you need?"
Mostly with me it's feeling as if I have no voice at times or if I do have a voice I'm not being heard. I didn't agree to go no contact with my ex. I was just shut out. In the few text that we did exchange, it was so cold and unemotional. Like I'm a stranger. Maybe I am since he was under the influence the whole relationship. I don't know that he's not feeling guilty, but I'm not going to give him the benefit of thinking that he is. If he is, then he has a pair or arms to hold and comfort him. It must be lovely. I have given up expecting abnormal people to behave normally. I just forget.
The question of the ED is interesting. I was fine ED wise when I met my ex. It only resurfaced, badly, when we split. Oddly enough it was me who had to say enough when it came to eating. While in rehab he started bingeing himself and shot up to a respectable 200lbs. He's not the tallest guy and turned into a little meatball.
I moved back to ny in 07' when my parents died two weeks apart. My dad had cancer and my mom was so stressed she had a heart attack. I spent the next year feeling little to anything thanks to vodka , ambien and Xanax. One day I decided this is going to kill me. So, I poured all booze down the drain, flushed the pills and spent a week lying on a couch in the gray sweats crying, not eating not showering , not answering the phone. Almost checked myself into the hospital. Nobody told me about withdrawals and detoxing. I though I was going good nuts. After about three months of what I call a midnight of the soul experience, I began to pull myself together.
I opened my own business and two weeks in my daughter has a breakdown and I have to snatch her out of a psych ward, get her to NY, sit with her until I can bet her into a hospital making sure this shivering, detoxing mess doesn't kill herself . Finally got her into a year long program. She's fine now and I'm grateful.
The business struggled and Hurricane Sandy dealt the final blow. So, I lost that along with my house, 99% of my money and everything that I had. Flash forward. I'm trying to right myself. I get a neat job, move into a less than prefect little apt, but it's my sanctuary. I decide I'd like to have a real relationship. I date a few guys, nothing really clicks that well. Enter the ex. He is everything I could have hoped for. He makes ME feel normal. How sad is that? I guess breaking up with him was just one loss too many in too short a span.
The most painful part, and I've mentioned this before, is that we talked about having a family. I can't normally so I go through all of these tests. When we found out what we would need to do, he and his family were uber supportive and encouraging. I remember one of the last things that I said to him was " don't give up on me yet, ok?" And he said he never would. Right up until he did.
I am grateful of course that we didn't have kids. Yes, I can see how all of this was for me to learn and grow. Something had to force all of this unresolved grief to the surface. That's really how I see the anger. And I do deserve the peace of the process. I am learning to anchor myself with prayer when I start feeling adrift. And of course I keep reading here. My heart absolutely breaks when I read a new thread by someone whose just walking into this kind of mess. But I will keep reading and getting stronger day by day, thought by thought. Thank you all!