firebolt

This really struck a chord with me.

For some reason, all of my adult life I could shrug that anger at myself right off, but just STAY angry at ABF and exes - forever, really. For how unfairly I was treated, for lies, for injustice, on and on. That anger at myself had manifested in to an almost hatred through the years at partners for "things they've done to me."

Thanks to recovery (books upon books, Alanon, SR, counseling, wise words from recoverees) I am finally TRULY focusing on me.

Now I see.

ALL that was really for me. ALL the evil, hateful animosity and contempt. It was really from myself, to myself, and seriously misdirected at others. I am smart, funny, kind, loving, and funny smart me made some honestly horrible choices in partners (probably really not that bad of men, just really wrong for me.) That's all.

Those choices have led me to a place I never planned on for my perfect life - dreams gone, time wasted, money and property lost, needless pain, and bringing "unworthy" people into my amazing family that could so easily remove themselves from it. That makes me so angry.

Now, I see that I'm so hateful of me. I always thought I was great - egotistical and a hair cocky, but now it's clear it is actually quite the opposite. Critical, unforgiving, and even hateful of myself for my choices, and for my lack of action. I really can't win with me. Blaming them was much easier than coming to this realization - for a looong time.

You seem somewhat the same, and much of your anger still seems directed at your ex. Understandably - pain friggin sucks, and yeah, he's a Dbag. But, you did this. You - an intelligent, funny, clever, kind, genuine and VERY strong woman.

You kick ass. You will learn from this - look at all you HAVE learned from this! You DESERVE to forgive yourself. You DESERVE to heal, recover, and find someone perfect for you. You DESERVE to live light hearted, spirited, and free of this level of anger. It starts with recovery. All focus off them and their fool ways. All focus on us, our smart beautiful selves - worthy of forgiveness by our critical selves.

One day not long ago, after puking my anger and infuriation for the lack of justice for ABF all over a poor long time AA'er, he told me,

"Mandy, THANK GOD the world is not fair - THANK GOD we all do not get all that we deserve."

After a lot of thought, my own misdeeds to ABF were painfully clear. You cannot be angry, silent and hateful of someone for the better part of 4 years without making them feel worthless and hated (no matter how many nice little things you do for them in between.) I cannot imagine someone "who loves me" making me feel that way for so long. I am working on amends there, and his misdeeds (or my perception of them) to me don't affect that now.

Now - on to making amends to myself. We HAVE to forgive them, forgive us, and keep moving forward. It will be a process, but God dang we deserve it! (((HUGS))) to you. Tomorrow will be better!