I totally get it. Resentments have a strange way (for me, anyway) of bubbling back up when I thought I'd already gotten past an issue. It brings me to anger pretty quickly when that happens - but not the *good* kind of anger that you can use as fuel to create change. Nah, I'm talking about the shallow kind that makes me speak before I think & is a lot more sound & fury than it is anything of substance. I despise that feeling! I almost always end up hurting myself more instead of solving or healing anything.
A couple perspectives for you, if you want them?
I resent this so called spirituality that just lets them move on guilt free with no more explination than its time to move on.
You're making assumptions about if/how much guilt he's feeling. You can't KNOW what he's thinking or feeling unless he's actually verbalizing it to you. My RAH has massive guilt over many of his mistakes but I couldn't see that for a long time because he had too much shame to actually talk about it & his actions didn't tell me what he was feeling emotionally. I wrongly assumed he had no guilt just because I didn't see evidence of it.
"hey, support system! Go to hell, I'm doing what I want and need to for me and that's all that counts".
While I definitely had to deal with the realities of life like you mentioned in your OP (kid, bills, work), I still adopted this kind of attitude when it came to my recovery. I HAD to shut the world out & start letting it back in piece by piece over many months as I took shaky baby steps through this process. It definitely did not go over well with many members of my FOO who perceived me as extremely self centered.
Look, his mom, his new girl, your friend J - nothing you can do about any of it. They are who they are, they'll keep doing the things they do until they decide to change. Your friend has to decide she wants off the merry-go-round for herself & watching you go through all of this has to make a much bigger impact than anything you could express through words. She can choose to not break out in hives, ya know?
he's the one that needs to hear this not you guys
I disagree, there's no reason he needs to hear any of it. It won't change anything. Keep venting here, we understand what you're going through!
I love the idea of a retreat! I've looked into it but I just haven't been able to swing it yet financially.