Hi there. It is definately your disease lying to you. Happens to all of us. It had such a grip on us, that it is hard to totally let go.. We will NEVER beable to use in moderation. NEVER. It will always take us right back to the bottom. A place I am no longer choosing to go to.
Do you have any support? A drug/alcohol counselor, or a treatment group, or NA/AA?? Or anything for that matter that helps you? If not, it would be a very good idea to try something, so when this happens to you, you are better equipped to handle the situations. I also strongly believe in different playmates and playgrounds. I don't know anything about you, but I know for me, I can no longer be anywhere that my "dealer" is, or hang witht he people I did the drugs with. That helps too. I have choosen to staya way from friends that I've had for years, because itis far to tempting for me when I am around them, and either they do it in front of me, or I know they are drugged.
It does get better over time, hang in there,, and DON'T believe what the disease tells you. Great job on recognizing that something is wrong with attempting to use in moderation. love, Becky