Serper, I can relate during the initial 10 years of my drinking cycle. I thought I was invincible to a large extent. I thought I was living life to its fullest, having fun, living on the edge while narrowly escaping falling off about every day.
As time went on, I had to drink more and more just to maintain the addiction that I created. I couldn't do anything without drinking... and drinking a lot. Little did I know back then but living on the edge was really just an allusion that I created in my mind. None of it was necessary to truly enjoy my life. But it became harder and harder to stop as each day progressed.
Finally by 20 years of heavy drinking, there was nothing left. Absolutely every move I made was determined by alcohol. Every waking moment, structured around that first drink.
Living on the edge, or so I thought, was all just an illusion in stupidity. Maybe it's because I am a little older now, maybe it is because I just couldn't physically drink any more than I was drinking, I don't know. But I do now the past 43 weeks that I've been sober have been real. No more need to be drunk all of the time to falsely enjoy life. Now I enjoy my days sober and under my own power, not dictated by alcohol.
I threw away years, decades to this addiction. Now I can truly enjoy what I have to give to myself, to my wife and kids, to everyone that was affected by my living on the edge.
I'm just lucky to have been given the gift to survive all of that stupidity so that I can enjoy life the way it is meant to be enjoyed, with a clear head. To really enjoy your every day with crystal clear clarity. No more fog, no more excuses.
In my opinion, you've got to redefine your boundaries, redefine how you process enjoyment, redefine your goals... redefine what triggers you to be happy. Utter destruction isn't happiness.
A friend of mine witnessed utter destruction over the weekend. A minivan full of four teen aged girls was being driven by their grandmother was rear ended on the highway while trying to make it from Memphis to the Florida coast. The driver that hit the van had 5 previous felony DUI's and was driving on a suspended licence at 6:45 in the morning totally drunk. He hit the van which caused it to hit a utility pole and flip several times. As it turned out, two of the teen aged girls who were about to be seniors in highschool next year were dead. Dead because this stupid M***** F***** was living on his edge and caused utter destruction. The wreck happened as my friend was swerving to miss the debris from the van flipping. He saw body parts being ejected from the van. That is utter destruction, stupidity, that has taken lives of two innocent girls and affected countless others by his selfish actions.
I am so happy that I will be able to enjoy tomorrow without the burden of drinking.
You can do this, it's going to take some work, some hard work, but you won't regret the decision to be sober.
Congratulations on day 3. You can make this change stick.