Mostly I wanted to find a way to drink and not have bad stuff happen. Sometimes I just didn't care if something bad happened.
I didn't want to change my life. I didn't want to have to 'be good' or deprive myself of the things my friends did.
I kinda got used to the chaos of being down to my last twenty, or waking up in a garden or wondering where I got those bruises from or what I did last night.
I wanted to see how far I could stretch the rubber band of my life until it snapped.
It was kinda like an intellectual game. Survival by wits.
I didn't want to grow up.
For all those reasons, and many more, I kept drinking.
It was all nonsense.
D