Originally Posted by
Serper2014 
.... this is so hard.... how did it get this way.... why am I so messed up that I'm bored unless my life/job/criminal record is on the line?
It's called addiction. It makes no sense and it's nearly impossible to know "why" we are this way. But the solution is to accept it for what it is...and learn to live without it. Some of us need more help than others to get started, have you considered local support like meetings or counseling? You've been trying to do this in your own terms for quite some time, perhaps it's time to accept that you cannot do it alone?