Serper2014

Ok so it's only day 3, and yeah I know since my last post it should be day 5, but I messed up. Sorry about that.

I've spent hours each day really thinking about my past. What is the reason I relapse? It's because I'm bored, and I don't know what to do about it. It's becoming clear to me, that I'm not so much an alcoholic as a gambling addict. Alcohol just happens to be easy to gamble with.

Anyway, I'm bored and nothing seems exciting to me. Go for a walk, cook a nice meal, exercise. Read a book. Yeah I'm doing all that, it's nice, but I'm still bored.

Here's the question. Why do I want just one more time? Well it's because I want the possibility of utter destruction. Why do I want to self destruct? Why do I want to take risks? I want to put myself in danger, risk a DUI, get laid with a crazy hookup, and risk an unwanted pregnancy. Play chicken with my boss ( what if I don't come in to work tomorrow? what are you going to do? , fire me? ) I want to wake up with cuts or in the hospital.... I bet I can run down my stairs after 15 beers without falling.... I want to be spinning at 5am laughing knowing that I'm an hour from sunrise, where I have to wake up and be at work.


I don't REALLY want anything bad to happen. I just want the chance that it could.... otherwise life is boring... I don't feel alive without these risks..... I Don't really want to fall to my death... I just want to ride the rollercoaster and feel scared.... and I'm sitting here sober envying all the times I "escaped" or that I was "lucky".... am I alone? does anyone else feel like this? Or do most of you relapse because you just want to feel drunk...? I feel like I'm going insane...