All of what you are feeling is the normal struggle most of us go through with leaving our A's or them leaving us. I try very hard to remain in the reality of the situation. Because the what ifs just seem to prolong the hurt and prevent the healing. Work on your codependency and become healthy in your thinking and you will have the relationship you want with someone healthy. And it will be the kind of relationship that you describe but never would have had with your XAGF. You are on the right track to becoming whole and healed. It just basically is awful that is Codies have to go through so much pain. But most of the pain is self inflicted by being unhealthy in our thinking.