Hello again
OMG - I have been running the issue I posted about in this thread over and over in my head. Ruminating - yes, I think this is what it this is called.
I feel so bad, so guilty and so afraid about the message I need/must communicate to her.
The Gist of the Message:
That she is NOT welcome to come stay with me after her divorce is final, and her home is sold. Holy Cow !! That sound pretty ^%$ heartless.
But I won't say it that way. However, that's the bottom line.
#$^! !!!!
This decision seems so unbelievably Harsh. And Cruel. And Unloving. So truly truly truly non-compassionate.
My religious/emotional beliefs tell me one thing.
My logical/survival instincts tell me another.
My sister has mentioned "abandonment issues" to me before.
And Crap, here I am at the point where I too, will TRULY be abandoning her.
Yet, the truth is that I just don't have the energy - physically, spiritually, emotionally or financially to deal with her and her problems.
I can barely take care of myself and my aging cat.
And I need to remember that she has a history of being VERY unkind to me and to others. And that even though she is not drinking; she has no program and is always depressed and angry. She is trying to be kind to me now; tells me she hopes I am doing better with my health issues. But I don't trust her. I feel/fear her fleeting/momentary concerns for me is manipulation. She has truly a Jekyl/Hyde personality. But she can seem so nice at times, and is making herself look like she is the "victim" in her marriage.
She truly created/perpetuated many of her problems. She stinking allowed her life to spiral down!!! And avoided taking any financial responsibility for herself.
Yes, she has an a88-hole (possibly A) husband. He has certainly been a big culprit in the dynamics of how terrible her life has been and what it has come to now. I used to say to myself and to others that "I too would be drinking if I was married to him". But I doubt it.
I believe my fear of alcoholism due to our alcoholic father never allowed me to drink as an escape. I saw him doing horrible things when he drank. I never wanted to be like him. I thank God for the Grace given to me, in that I have not become an alcoholic. And wonder why my sister DID????
Somehow, here I am dealing with so much pain and fear and just wanting to run away - but I am pushing on. Pushing through the issues without alcohol or drugs. But, this is so incredibly difficult.
I feel I MUST give her "heads up" soon, because when their house sells, there will be so many decisions for her to make and things to do - withing a short time frame. I believe this is the only fair thing to do.
Yet, I fear that if I tell her now; that she will give up. Give up as in the S word.
One of her sons already isn't speaking to her. The other son, with whom I have already talked to, SAYS he will be "there" for his mom. I pray he will.
She lives 2,000 miles away from me right now and I certainly can't tell her in person. I don't think that I can tell her over the phone. My illness often affects my speech; when stressed it DOES affect my speech. And I will be stressed telling her. If my speech gets affected, she may TRULY not be able to understand what I am telling her. Also, I can hear the stress and depression in her voice when she talks. And I fear if I HEAR that, then I might back down.
So, this morning I am writing a email to send to her.
Praying to God and asking Him for wisdom as I craft this letter. Praying to be given the right words.
Praying my sister will step up to the plate and find an alternative place to go to - when the time comes.
Praying for serenity and courage and wisdom.
Praying the Serenity Prayer.
Oh my, I am going on and on. Yep, ruminating. But I needed to get this out of my system.
Thanks for listening.
As I said; I have been to Alanon; have the foundation and tools of the program in my heart and soul. Have been unable to attend meetings regularly due to my multiple health issues. Even asked a lady to be my sponsor; and we used to talk often; sadly, she passed away within the past year. I hope using this forum for support is okay.
And if you believe in prayer, please say a prayer for my sister and me.