I think I was addicted to the pills from the first buzz. I began drug-seeking, and I didn't have to look very far. My doctor gave me lots of Vicodin for a long time, and then I started going to a quack. It was expensive, but I didn't care, Percoset were worth it. Then I got caught getting scripts from another doctor, and the quack wouldn't see me. But of course, there's a whole internet full of sites that will dole out pharmaceuticals like they are candy.
And all the while, I did have a real medical problem. I really was ill. But, I wasn't in enough pain to require all the thousands of pills I took.
I thought it would be easy once I had my surgery. I would get one more refill, blow through them, and that would be it. I even tapered with the last ten or so.
But, it's not easy. Today is Day 12 with no pain pills, Day 10 with no alcohol. I feel like I've come a long way, but I know I still have a long way to go. My body still wants the drug, and my mind keeps trying to convince me it would be ok to take "just a few." But I've never had just a few of anything. Not pills, not drinks, not cocaine..........the list goes on. It's an all or nothing deal for me. I either stop entirely or I go on the downward spiral.
Thank God for the AA program. I wouldn't have lasted two days without the support I get there. I'm trying to find a sponsor and I've been reading the book. So far, it's been better than the alternative.