That all sounds pretty horrific, esinger. Sounds like things are much better for you now, though. Yes, reading and learning...it's nice to read a book and actually retain some of it. Can't tell you how many books I've read over the last few years that I couldn't tell you anything about.
Back to the "Disease" vs "The Beast" thing. I'm not the scholar that many here are, but it seems to me that one of the important differences is that with AVRT we recognize that thoughts of drinking (AV) come from ourselves, and that we have the power to not act on those thoughts. As opposed to being afflicted with a "Disease". Drinking is not something that happens to us, but is a choice that we are faced with. In the end it is completely within our own power to simply choose not to drink.
I know you're familiar with AVRT, but I thought it'd be good practice for me to try and explain anyway. Be well.