alterity

I posted the scenario five years ago when my son was age twenty. In five years, his mental health and criminal tendencies have only gotten worse and worse. The situation:

At around age 5 or 6, played with fire with a friend, dangerously starting a fire in the basement of the house.

Up until age 9, B was a very well-liked and likeable kid. Frequently clumsy and uncoordinated, was accident prone. Sister nearest in age was violent with him. In fact, it is suspected that when he was just a toddler, she pushed him down the stairs while in his walker. No evidence that he was injured as he was found still upright at the bottom of the stairs. Household was always full of chaos and he was exposed to a quite a lot of trauma.

Between age 9 and 11, threw rocks at cars with a friend for fun. Threw a basketball at a moving vehicle, breaking its windshield. His father and I divorced when he was 9.

From age 11 or so (2000) until when he was sent to a residential treatment program in 2002, B engaged in the following risky and delinquent behaviors:

- punched a student in school for saying something about his Dad
- ran out of school
- stole from his Dad
- stole from the school basketball team
- with a friend (who later turns out to be a drugdealer) shot a firework at a group of people
- punched me

1999-2002: In the midst of aftermath of the divorce, no structure to his environment. I was working, and he had no parental supervision after school. Older sister would have large groups of her friends at the house, partying. Father tried to have him spend time with him, but there was no schedule to this.

2001: B was bedwetting. Showed signs of PTSD.

Winter 2002 to 2005: B attended a boarding school, where he flourished, for the most part. Had a few problems, however, including stealing money from his Dad during a visit and using it to run away to NYC. Also ran away for brief periods of time from the school in dangerous winter conditions, risking his life.

Spring 2005: B attended high school for a short amount of time in NJ, where he was exposed to violent, criminal, and anti-social "friends." Quickly got out of control: "Robotripping" (at one point needing emergency room care), doing serious hard drugs, borrowing them from gang-related thugs with the promise to pay them back, and was in an extremely dangerous situation. During this time, he also "huffed", sold an exam, slapped a student who got in his face, and mimicked the action of "snorting drugs" while in class, broke curfew, stole jewelry, ransacked sisters' rooms, took my mobile phone against my wishes, and pushed his sister.

Was hospitalized after breaking down the door to his house using a sledgehammer. Diagnosed during that 72-hour observation with bi-polar. This was a very hasty diagnosis. He had not experienced any sleep changes and his use of drugs was likely not disclosed to his treatment team. I infer that because nothing was ever mentioned about it.

Summer 2005: Due to what was going on, was sent to an outdoors boot camp program in Utah. Had a psychological evaluation done which concluded that he had Conduct Disorder - Childhood-onset. (I would disagree somewhat with that finding. I think it was Adolescent-onset, given the timing of divorce and onset of problems.)

Fall 2005: Family tried to keep him at home. Talked about the rules/expectations and even negotiated a contract to set boundaries. Pretty soon, he was breaking the rules and was sent to a therapeutic school in VA.

Spring 2007: Graduated high school. Had done so well there, being a highly-structured and restrictive setting.

Summer 2007: Lived in NJ and had a job, which he performed well. He may had been doing drugs, but nothing too serious happened this summer. He was looking forward to college, which was a full free-ride thanks to the ROTC scholarship he won.

Fall 2007: Started college while living in a transitional program for kids who need extra help and structure in adjusting to adult living. Did excellent because he had structure and was sober. However, he began to relapse, started to disobey the rules, and eventually was removed from the program.

Spring 2008: Lived on campus. Was hospitalized from alcohol OD. Was sanctioned by the school for alcohol possession.

Summer 2008: Lets friend drive his car but friend doesn't have a license. Almost gets cited for dangerous entrustment. Gets a DUI-like charge for driving at the legal limit at his age, which is under 21.

Since turning 18, far too many run-ins and close-calls with the law and problems with drug abuse. The diagnosis of conduct disorder does not seem to be remitting. Instead, it is becoming its adult form of either antisocial personality disorder and/or substance abuse disorder.

2009: B has a party that the cops bust. Almost gets charged with being a social host. During argument with his girlfriend, B spits on her and gets charged with harassment. During another argument with his girlfriend, she hits B. Cops get involved. B gets suspended from college and banned from campus. B enters campus anyway and almost charged with trespassing. ODs on valium and a week later does some oral drug (Cloricidin). B gets expelled from ROTC for being suspended from college.

Summer 2009: lives in NJ with his Dad. Continues to do drugs. Escalates to the point where he takes his Dad's car without permission and doesn't come home in time for Dad to go to work. Dad on the verge of kicking him out of the house. On the verge of homelessness, I took him in for about a month during which time he was completely sober. Then gets a break by being allowed to live at his girlfriend's house.

Fall 2009 - Spring 2010 - As far as I know, was hard-drug free and only used marijuana, and was doing really well. However, he began to smoke pot more and more as the summer approached. Later admitted to having done hard drugs during this time. Gets car in March and shortly thereafter crashes car, doing $1500 damage to the other car and $900 damage to his own car. Gets a speeding ticket. Was smoking increasing amounts of marijuana.

Summer 2010: Gets ticket for not producing drivers license for cop after being stopped for reckless driving. Gets stopped by police in NYC for a traffic violation, risking being caught with cocaine. Starts doing hard drugs again. Gets stopped for reckless driving and is cited for DWID. His Dad was again on the verge of kicking him out and cutting him off financially. However, since the only drug he claimed was in his system was Xanax, Dad did not want to take such an extreme step.

This was the point at which I discovered this forum. I haven't posted here since then. The same history has kept repeating since then, only with higher stakes and graver consequences.

He spent some time in Virginia, and did well for a year or so until he started taking Adderall. He began to abuse it, then went off the deep end. He went psychotic, had a breakdown, and was institutionalized for 72 hours. The doctors recommended at least a month in-patient treatment but his father did not go along with that and instead brought him back to NJ. He got B an apartment and pretty soon, after a few months or so, B was back on hard drugs, probably cocaine. He was arrested for "groping" random women. His Dad did not bail him out of jail. After about six weeks, he was put on probation for this low level felony offense.

Winter 2013-2014: B got involved with drug dealers who were robbing houses to support the drug business. He either allowed them to use his car or drove it himself, but whichever it was, he was an accomplice. He ended up arrested and charged with 2nd and 3rd degree felonies. He was facing a maximum of 10 years in state prison, but the attorney hired by his Dad got him a very strict 5 year probation through the drug court program. This was settled in the fall of 2014 and included weekly drug testing and psychotherapy.

Just a little over one half year later, and B has been arrested again. I don't have all the details from his Dad, but when I do, I would like to share. There are no meetings anywhere near me. The closest is over two hours away. I sure could use the support as can many families in my neck of the woods. I'm starting to want to start a local chapter....