Hi, Amp. I've got 18 consecutive months of sobriety now. I still feel like my sobriety time has been recent enough that the memory of temptation is still fresh in my mind for sharing--but it's long enough that I don't feel like I'm on the precipice every day of my life.
For years I knew I liked to drink too much--I liked it much more than others I knew--but I was in denial that I had a true problem. I likened myself to other famous people (like CS Lewis) and said, "If tankards of beer are good enough for such a man as him, then they're good enough for me!"
When I was in a social setting I was impatient for the grand opening of the bottle; whereas the others were satisfied after one or two, I was always secretly ticked off to see the bottle being put away.
Every once in awhile my conscience would bother me that something wasn't quite right, and I'd try to cut back. One friend cut to the chase and told me I needed to give it up altogether. I rejected that advice for a long time: then, for God's sake, I tried it. The abstinence lasted about 6 months--then I took my drinking into the closet.
My husband tried to make deals with me and get me to moderate; but, of course, it just couldn't be done. I always had to break down and drink during the week.
Finally in January 2013 I asked God how, exactly to quit drinking. I knew that the short answer was simply to stop ingesting alcohol, but what I needed was the mental motivation to do it. What would I gain from stopping? I didn't care enough about any of my relationships to want to bother--they all hobbled along well enough for my taste.
I flipped the Bible open and landed on 2 Timothy 2:20-21:
"In a large house there are articles not only of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay; some are for special purposes and some for common use. *Those who cleanse themselves from the latter will be instruments for special purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work. "
I realized then that he would give me the power to cleanse myself, and that then I had a good chance of being useful to him.
That was really my turning point.
I was faithful for a few months, but then I was pressured to get off SR, which was my only major means of support. Temptations grew, and I had a couple glasses of wine with lunch in May. They were magnificent; and instantly I had a wild lust for more. I bought bottle after bottle trying to recreate that perfect buzz, but it didn't work. Again and again I got angry and dumped them down the sink. After 10 days I quit again.
In July I left SR again (still my only means of support). I lasted till November, when I was so mad at my world that I drank as a big FU.
After two days (and seeing my family really disgusted), I gave it up again--for good. I had learned my lesson: there is nothing truly good to gain from drinking. Any fleeting satisfaction is just a mirage. It's like a bubble that pops within the hour.
I have been sober ever since. I admit that I have had moments of extreme stress or frustration and have a quick thought of "I could really go for a triple right now"--but I am able to dismiss it right away, because I have seen that it is really not the solution. It would ruin more than it would solve.
So when I get the occasional angry thought, I don't take it seriously at all, and dismiss it immediately.