completely devastated
i relapsed this weekend after almost 3 1/2 years of sobriety. i'm so disgusted with myself that i can barely think straight. my hands are shaking as i type this.
i take 5 different medications for depression and anxiety. i hate that but it is what it is. my father passed away unexpectedly in late 2014 and my grief manifested itself in a sort merciless sense of irritability. i told this to my psychiatrist and she chose to put me on yet another med, a med called abilify. i relapsed two weeks later. i'm not sure how much i can credit my relapse to being on this new med but it does seem plausible. side effects of this medication are suicidal thoughts. while i didn't think about killing myself, i did suddenly fall back into that old familiar black hole of feeling like i had no choice but to drink. and drinking IS suicide for someone like me. i hadn't experienced this black hole for a very long time and feeling it creep back in totally blindsided me.
what this relapse has taught me is that a relapse occurs long before the actual drinking does. alcoholism owns me and i can barely stand it. i thought i had beaten it but it's back. there are no words to describe how much i hate myself right now. all i want to do is climb under the covers and never come out.
i'm hesitant to go back to AA because unfortunately for me, i am fiercely anti-social. i felt compelled to come back here and share this as it is probably what i'd share if i went to a meeting.
help.