Greetings to the readers on this thread.
I just thought I would put this question out there ..although I know it has been done many times before. I am a mid life woman who is somewhat reserved, quiet, gentle. I have been struggling with AA for years and find it quite cliquey ..AA seems to have the opposite effect on me making me feel more isolated & even despairing after the meetings, as I don't seem to talk their lingo. In fact my cousin who has been in AA for 20 years said that she couldnt talk to me about sobriety as I dont talk the AA language!
My father was an AA old timer who didnt "walk his talk" staying emotionally abusive & unrepentent for his violent actions until his death. I think I have my low grade childhood PTSD activated from the meetings as I find the people there harsh (no offense to anyone)
I have been going to meetings on & off for 15 years and have not been able to connect there.( I do have friends out of the meetings) ..I just dont like hearing the drunk stories and the fact that some peoples whole lives never move on to a new identity from calling themselves an "alcoholic". In fact just thinking about it makes me feel stuck & hopeless. I see myself as having a genetic allergy to alcohol with an ocd disorder
which keeps this problem alive.
I guess I feel weak , scared & brainwashed that AA really is the only way!!!
P.S I have been 13 stepped more than once and screamed at by a sponsor for not calling her on time so maybe that contributes to these feelings. I have not overdrunk for 3 years now & completely abstinent for 13 months .