I really don't want to drink and I really want to be sober. I am trying to be accountable for my actions. Still waiting to see what the results of my last night out will be.
IOA22, I have attended meetings daily in the past for up to six months and was the coffee maker, etc., but really didn't like hearing the truth. I was a dry drunk. I was also so afraid of being known to be an alcoholic. At the same time, it felt like a home to me. Now, I see that I just wasn't ready to stop. I wasn't ready and had to go out and do it again. Now I have even more stuff to regret and dwell on forever (because I dwell on every mistake I've made since I started drinking at 16. Obsessively at times.) That's okay though. They're my battle scars and evidence that I have been losing this battle for almost 15 years. I know it's old-timers like you who speak the truth that a lot of us don't want to hear. I hope my ego doesn't get in my way this time around. Part of me is even hoping I lose my visa and have to go back to the States just so I can go to meetings. I really need to keep this job though, and if I come out of this alright, I will be really thankful for a second chance.