Hi New Friends,
I thought I would check in. I tend to measure these detox's in hours, then days. It is the end of my first sober day.
I went to sleep at 10P and woke at 2:30A- Ahh the insomnia. I paced and panicked and would go into one room forgetting why I went there. I laid down with my best friend, my little deskfan/heater. I put it on my chest almost until the sun came up.
It started with me saying no to the triggers. Now I am going to reveal some things that illustrate how powerful this alcohol had on me. I was a total out of control disaster, and a complete dangerous monster. I am glad to be the new me.
Trigger one, on my morning commute I would get one of those little wine boxes, with about 3 drinks or so in it. I drove by the convenience store and felt the usual AV. I went in, went straight to the powerade, and got a pack of cigs. It was strong and I felt empowered to have overcome.
You see, my usual routine was to drink that on my commute, through a school zone, and sit in the office parking lot in my car and catch a buzz before going in. I had already told my boss and coworkers that I drink 1 glass of red wine in the morning when I get off the treadmill, drs orders. What a liar. But that way if they ever smelled it, I could have an excuse already prepared.
I was operating at 1/3 of my normal buzzed capacity at work. Moving real slow. red face, which I pre-explained that I went to the lake over the weekend. I had some tremble in my hands. A few sweats. But by days end I was operating at half speed. I kept the fan on me to help with some sweats.
Trigger two- I used to get a 3winer and sit in my car in the parking lot, replacing my morning buzz so that I can make it through the afternoon. I would disguise my breath with a v8 I wold bring in. Sometimes I would eat fast food, but not often. Like I said, my head was slightly clearer by the end of the day (hour 19)
Commuting home, I used to pick a 3winer and drink it at a boatramp before coming home to my wife and kids. Then sometimes fighting would happen. She is gone now, hopefully just temporarily, as this is the last straw before we agree I go to inpatient rehab for 30 days. Ain't gonna happen. Anyways, I drove by the convenience store, felt the trigger, and smiled as I passed it to come home.
I came home and took a milk thistle and Bcomplex and made myself two Nutriblasts (fruits and veggies shake). I am off of carbs for now and am going fruits, veggies, fish, and yogurt. Gonna flush my liver and give it some rest.
I'll mention that I thought I had some peripheral neuropathy because of a numb yet tingly sensation in my right forearm. It is gone now.
I am quitting smoking. I have 3 more and am stocked on nicotine gum. For the first time ever (i've been chewing it for years) I am going to follow the instructions. I am saving one cigarrette for when I wake up, one last morning buzz. I am off caffeine (who can drink coffee with insomnia monster lurking).
my current symptoms at this 25th hour:
no headache
some anxiety
still a red face with leathery skin
was able to completely focus in my writing this. Mind is operating at around 60% because of the brainmist
barely noticeable tremor
no nausea- I never get that
50% appetite- I am still forcing myself to eat. The major hunger usually doesn't hit me until hour 48 or later.
So I see some improvement from morning to night. Who knows how I will feel in the morning. It will be another anxious day, but might be operating at 60 percent capacity.
Still resolved. I have had my last drop. I plan on going to an AA meeting tomorrow during my lunch hour.
It feels good not to be a constant liar to try to cover my tracks. I have lied to everyone and I feel so bad about it. worthless human i was.