I don't mean to dodge your questions, AF, but I can't provide you with the kind of help you may need. Grief is often complicated by a range of internal factors that need to be acknowledged and addressed. Acceptance is often the first step, though many of us need assistance in getting there. But, yes, I do believe that it's important for you to find a way to forgive yourself. Without this, you may be faced with a life filled with fighting ghosts and then, as you've suggested, turning to the bottle during and after stretches of emotional exhaustion.
Death shakes most of us, a stark and unforgiving reminder of how little control we actually have. It makes even less sense to us when there's no apparent rhyme or reason for the loss. No one to blame. No explanation. No resolution. No closure. But it doesn't have to remain that way.
Our own mortality drives us to achieve, to make something of our lives. Or it pushes us into the shadows, leaving us afraid to move in any particular direction in life, lest we choose a life that just isn't "right" for us. So many people opt for lives of quiet desperation, embracing what is only apparent or superficial security rather than risk meaning or fulfillment. Some people view grief as a lifelong process within the context that we and everyone else who we know and love will eventually die. Others hold that death is a challenge that each of us must face, and that the remedy to grieving our own death is to live an authentic and meaningful life.
An incomplete grieving process can adversely affect us for years after the actual loss. Few recovering alcoholics escape the experience of loss in their lifetime, and I believe its important to work through issues of grief and loss in a supportive environment. Most skilled professionals will recommend a support group, even when they're seeing you one-on-one.
I do hope you find the answers that you're searching for.
http://www.dentonisd.org/cms/lib/TX2...0Resources.pdf GriefShare - Grief Recovery Support Groups - GriefShare ?