Feeling foolish
For as long as I can remember, I've been one of those people that was considered strong and could stand my ground. These days, you could probably knock me over with a feather. I'm feeling embarrassed and resentful. I posted some months back about how I kicked my ABF out and I was feeling SO empowered (albeit scared). Well, I've let him back in and the cycle is beginning again! I have no previous experience with addiction (although, I have LOTS of experience with dysfunction) and I feel so naive. We have a 4 month old daughter together and it's such a gray area and I don't know where the line is with an innocent child.
To back up a little bit: He is what I've been told a "High Functioning Alcoholic." He has a great job and just got promoted in December. He doesn't go the bar, does not drink until he blacks out (that I'm aware of), does not go and make bad decisions (sleeping around, driving drunk, again, that I'm AWARE of). He is helpful and kind, not abusive or mean in any way at all. With all of that being said, however, he does drink every single day. I've caught him drinking early in the morning (5am!) and throughout the night. He is extremely unhealthy...I've heard him vomiting in the bathroom in the morning and he claims that he "gags himself while brushing his teeth." He has vomited in our backyard and when I have confronted him about it, he denies it! He barely eats, yet he is about 50lbs overweight. I find stashes of beer EVERYWHERE! I'm also quite certain he drinks at work, yet he works alone most of the time so there is no one to catch him, so he goes to work whenever he feels like it and lies to me about it. He has broken promises so much that I don't know where I find it in my heart to even care for him anymore. I know he is manipulative and lies constantly. I'm guessing to protect his habit.
He still does not live with me or my girls (I have two older girls from a previous marriage). He is living with his mom. I KNOW that she is the worst enabler (although, I am probably no better). His family knows what is going on yet everyone just talks behind our backs and won't life a finger. I try to fire them up to do an intervention and they actually say that there is no use. NO USE! His mom watched her alcoholic brother drink himself to death and she is terrified of seeing her son do that same...I can understand that, but she cannot see that she is just prolonging the inevitable! I have grown resentful of his mother and of his family.
I live in a very rural area and there is no Alanon close by. Really. I am completely lost and feel stupid and used and foolish, but I don't know what else to do. I don't have much for family and I'm fighting to pay the bills and raise 3 girls on my own...it's hard not to let him back in and relieve some of the hurt. The problem is, I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. I'm tired of the lack of trust, of the disappointment and the constant stress. I am a shell of the person I used to be. I read that you are supposed to accept it and keep living your life...How do you do that?