Thank you all for your responses and encouragement. Reading these responses gives me hope. I have always tried to keep one foot in the program and one out. Always too ambivalent to commit, thinking I could do it my own way. I mean, I have been doing so well over the past year and then THIS!
It's just like a huge scary slap in the face. Binge drinking. I hate the person I become. Black out drunk, rude to everyone, hurting myself, destroying relationships. I want to say this isn't who I am, but after consistently slipping back into this throughout my entire adult life, maybe it is me. I have so much regret I can hardly contain it. I also see people all around me who have and are suffering from alcoholism, yet I keep drinking.
Fini, I know you are right. Staying sober is unlikely, unless I absolutely stop. I want to. I have wanted to so many times, yet here I am again. I just don't trust myself to know that in a few months I won't find a way to justify it again. It's a horrible feeling... I just want to trust myself that I am finally finished for real.
SoberHoopsFan, we can do this.
I will do some checking around for online meetings and just jump into this head on. I need help and maybe, while I am here, I can find some of that help here with you guys. I know I need a daily routine that keeps me focused on remembering why I can't drink.
Thanks again for your thoughts every one.