Hi Butterfly,
I think you are doing so well to be reflecting so much and developing so much insight. I don't think you need to punish yourself for your past or what you think you have done wrong. Everyone has their own individual set of issues. You are enough (more than enough) as you are. Now that you have made these discoveries, don't fall into the trap of trying to use them make sense of his behaviour or take all the blame. Or live in the past trying to rewrite it.
The theory you are referring to (and for anyone who is interested) is attachment theory. There were studies done in the 60s by developmental psycs which highlighted four different types of attachment in children; secure, anxious/avoidant, anxious/ambivalent and disorganised. There is so much emphasis now on attachment parenting so that children feel secure because there has been shown to be a direct link between these patterns in childhood and future adult relationships.