Anxious attachment
I have been doing a lot of reading recently and I came across a description for anxious attachment and it describes me perfectly. Apparently children who have this form of attachment grow up to have a preoccupied attachment Insecure, self critical , seeking constant reassurance but not feeling better from it, fear of loved one leaving or not loving you, deep seated feelings of rejection causing worry and mistrust, causing them to act clingy and overly dependent on their partner and emotionally desperate in relationships. Possessing positive views of their partners, relying heavily on their partners for their self worth. Feeling they need to dramatically express their anxiety and anger to ensure the other person responds but feel fear that if they express their anger they will be rejected. If anger is expressed it is followed by pleas of apologies and support.!!
This describes me but what I don't know is whether it's an attachment issue or being with/married to an A for 18 yrs??
Yes I think I did have an insecure attachment with my mum she was responsive, blamed me for a lot, ignored me and left many times, yes I felt rejected but what I do remember is that I may have always had anxiety issues but I could be confident. Before meeting ex a I lived on my own with my daughter went to college and had a social life.
I know that when I met him and he behaved the way he did I began to feel bad about myself, not worthy all the usual thoughts and feelings I've shared here many times. My self worth grew worse until it was non existent and my behaviour became worse, manipulaltion, anger, tears, fears of being rejected, being rejected time and time again yet I kept begging him to come home, because to me he would make everything ok, my self worth was tied up in him.
That is my responsibility, how I responded to him to his drinking I'm not proud of but my behaviour, what I've said here many times is my responsibility.
It wasn't my fault he drank , treated me so badly and hurt me, his behaviour is his responsibility and what he will have to live with, but I have to live with I let him treat me the way he did, that is my responsibility.
I don't know what all this means, all these thoughts keep popping into my head and I am trying to focus on me and not him, not always successfully mind you but when I'm feeling overwhelmed with hurt and sadness I need to remind myself that it's ok if I take baby steps again.