I can't speak for your life, but I understand the feelings. It sounds like a nagging guilt, pulling on your heart-strings. She's weak, she's sick, and you begin to feel pity. I think I read somewhere that us ACOA's confuse pity with love? I'm not sure but are you saying that you would feel a little hint of "responsibility" if she were to pass away and your last correspondence with her wasn't...showing your best self? or was it?
I still get those feelings. I think "maybe I should talk to my dad about his drinking - I'm in a lot of recovery - maybe I'd get through to him?". Then I waffle on 'is this really in my control or not?' I wonder about when he dies - will it be tomorrow? Today? or will he live to 90? If he dies today, will I regret all of my actions? Will I wish I was around him?
Unfortunately, I don't know. I wonder if this is a higher power thing for me?
hmmm...
I haven't solved this particular riddle. I feel so much pain for my father's pain? I don't ever see him.
Yet again, I completely forget about the fact that he isn't reaching out to me. he isn't calling me. he isn't e-mailing. Yes, I'm the "healthy" one, but being the one reaching out all the time can be exhausting. It's like, "hey, I'd like another dose of abandonment, please"
I guess my suggestion would be to sit and think about where your motivation is coming from. Is it through the pity? Is it through guilt? If so, remember that you can't control the disease and you can't control her feelings, either.
You know your specific reasons for no contact. I suppose you can think on that?
How would responding benefit you?
I truly wish you well. I totally understand going back and forth in your head about how you want to communicate with someone that has been so toxic in your life. I struggle with it every day.
I wish you the best in whatever decision you make for yourself.