checkingin
Well when I first got on here a few weeks ago things were going well. I was able to log in here during my down time, resist the urge to drink & felt pretty darn good.
Then I was home alone for a weekend, with no plans. Nothing to occupy my time. And thats when that little devil sneaks in "Oh no one is around to know if you drink". And it just kept going you guys. I fought with my boyfriend, who wouldnt talk to me for weeks afterward, I drank so much on a work trip that I was reprimanded for my behavior and am essentially on probation for my job. I found out my rental house (which I have had a lot of problems with anyway) is going off rental and I need to be out by the end of May. Oh and I blew all my money on alcohol. I am worried about providing food for my child bc I dont have any money. And the final straw, I got black out drunk yesterday and passed out at 4pm on the phone with my boyfriend. He called today and said lay off the alcohol or he is leaving.
And here i thought I was doing a good job hiding my addiction. Yeah not so much. I realized over the last week that while I am drinking, no one else is. i feel disgusting. My stomach is nasty, I am so bloated and fat. Why do I continue to do this?
I know my stressors- I know its boredom. I do not have an office so I can stay in my house all day on the days I don't have my child. No one has to see me drink, or shower or even brush my teeth. Gross. Eat more than one meal a day? Yeah not so much. I mean, what am I doing?
My mom has been very helpful and supportive, she doesn't know how bad I have gotten. But she is a pretty darn positive lady. And my boyfriend, the same. I just need to remember that even though it feels like my world is falling apart there are positives in my choices. I have 2 other job opportunities that have fallen in my lap and would be amazing. I would travel less & have a real office (hello that eliminates day drinking & being hungover/drunk the next day) My son and I are moving in with my mom, solving 2 problems. 1) I cant get blasted at her house and 2) my money issues will be alleviated for awhile. I have to remind myself of the positives every day or I will lose it. I will say, well i might as well keep drinking bc why the hell not.
Anyway, I am sitting at home, with nothing to do, and you guys are always helpful & supportive & listening. So thanks.