Welcome back. What I read in your post is that you are not happy now. And yet you say you can't be happy WITHOUT alcohol. This is the insanity of the addiction.
What will you do to change the emotional link link between a desired feeling (happiness) and an entrenched behaviour (drinking)? That's the key question. It's going to take time and effort but it's so worth it. You will know a happiness you never imagined if you rebuild your life without addiction.