How to tell what is QUACKING & what is truth?
In light of all the spouses and moms on here going through such tremendous heartache, I hesitated to post this for fear of it sounding so trivial. But then I thought that this board is for learning, no matter what stage we are in in our recovery, so I hope ya'll don't mind if I ask this.
Does anyone have any advice on how you discern what is just quacking and what are true words coming out of the mouths of our A's? Is 'quacking' a term used only when the A is drinking? Or can quacking just be their 'stinking alcoholic thinking' going on?
Case in point....my daughter, our A, really vented Saturday and decided to tell me, or maybe I should say BLAME me. She said that the reason she has picked the present b/f is because he criticizes her just like I've always done. It's what she knows...and bottom line was..."mama, it's your fault."
After she calmed down and apologized, her words are still ringing in my ears. Husband was there to witness all of this so I asked him what he thought. He said events earlier in the day, plus events coming up this weekend, just triggered this outburst and not to take what she says personally. Yeah right. Easier said than done. Also, she RARELY attacks him. I'm always the target. (Not having a pity party, just stating the facts here.)
Now what I have learned from this board, family counseling, Al Anon meetings and AA meetings is that alcoholics are the masters of blame. So how in the heck am I supposed to know if she's just using me as a scapegoat or if she truly feels I AM the problem? This has bothered me so much. I might add she sees me as asking her to be perfect when I expect her to wash her clothes when you can't see the floor of her room or pay her cell phone bill on time. She has always accused me of expecting her to be perfect. I've told her before that I think she has the terms 'perfect' and 'responsible' mixed up.
Sorry this got so long. I'm just confused on this. Seems like every time we have 'heated' words, I am told I am doing it all wrong. I'm sick n tired of it. And yes, I know. Check my gratitude list. I just did. I'm THANKFUL she is home and working on her sobriety. Guess I just need some words of wisdom so I can grow in my recovery and become a better Al Anoner.
Thanks for listening.