Originally Posted by noexcuse

Yesterday was rough after work. I have case workers in and out of my house because of Children Services, confirming that I am, in fact, caring for my kids. The original case worker that I had got another job, so her supervisor was the one that came last night along with another girl that is in training. During our discussion, the supervisor also indicated that she might hand our case over to yet another person if she decides not to take it on herself. So I had to repeat the whole story/situation/problems all over again, and once again, I felt like they are putting all the blame on me. (Back in March, my husband and I were both drinking, and, after the kids were in bed, the two of us got into an argument and he hit me a few times. I called the police; the police called Children Services. My husband was arrested, and, since then, I have had weekly visits from Children Services. I was also ordered to court supervision, I was ordered into a substance abuse program, and I was ordered to go to victims' counseling. My husband was also ordered to court supervision and substance abuse counseling, but he has not gotten any visits from Children Services and they didn't order him to go into domestic violence counseling until last week. I'm not saying I want him to have to do more or that I should do less, but with every visit, I feel more and more like I am being attacked because I was stupid enough to call the police for being hit. After this experience, it's not a mistake I will EVER make again.)

So although nothing changed yesterday from the day before, I felt small and hopeless and cornered once again, and spent the majority of the evening near or in tears. I had my victims' counseling group last night, and if anyone said anything with even the slightest bit of emotion in their voice, BOOM, waterworks. I couldn't talk to my husband or kids last night and just wanted to be alone.

One thing I can honestly say is I didn't want to drink. I actually stepped back, mentally, and thought, "Am I craving right now?" because I genuinely wanted to really think about how I was feeling, AV-wise. I wasn't. No craving. The way I felt last night would have been enough to send me on a binge, and all I wanted to do was get in a good cry and go to bed. And because of that, I can also honestly say that I think that's what I needed and I feel much better today. I will probably still get 'beat up' and admonished by these people for a bit longer. They will continue to show up at the house and I will continue to feel like a crappy mom when they start to dig in. BUT....I'm not a crappy mom and the only way that those feelings would be justified would be if I let these outside factors drive me to drink again. And right now, I'm OK. It's not going to happen.