Universe is aligning :)
25 days in again! I have trouble feeling proud of myself. While drinking, I was sensitive in a bad way... Taking things personally where I shouldn't, always beating myself down, only remembering the bad things that I did and have happened. Getting sober meant dealing with all those memories without a filter and it has been really rough. Started to wonder why I should keep trying, but then, when I thought I couldn't take anymore, I started noticing things.
Thoughts racing through my head, suddenly I hear them out loud: In songs, tv-shows or someone passing by my house, like there is an antenna catching them and it's scary at first, but kind of cool. I remember this happening when I was young and still innocent, some deeper connection to the universe. Started feeling that things are going the way they should be going.
About a year ago I found a lump in my breast. Luckily it dissappeared after my period, but the next month, there were two, month later, more still. Doctor said I shouldn't worry, they're benign if they dissappear afterwards, but of course I worry. It kept progressing and they f'ing hurt! Then my dog got sick last month, when she was in heat. I immediately felt this was bad news, but my vet told me it was probably pyometra, should wait it out a bit with antibiotics and a painkiller. She got a bit better over the weekend but after the meds wore off, it went from bad to worse. Had emergency surgery and turns out she had uterin cancer, was just in time, it was attached to her intestines and ovaries, she lost a lot of blood during the procedure and barely pulled through. Can you believe when I had my next period: No lumps.
Things like this have happened before. So it turns out I am just very sensitive, but that's not a bad thing! Contrary to what my parents always told me. This is something precious and I have been numbing this wonderful gift all this time? That's insane. I should nurture it, listen to it, be proud of it and never let anybody tell me otherwise! It hurts me that I pushed that part of me away all this time. The past 20 years I have been trying to be someone I'm not, hating and hurting who I truly am and that's so sad. But I'm grateful to notice that it's not too late to let that beautiful part of me shine.
My ponies are in a meadow with a little club house in it. The house got new tennants and I was so curious about what they were going to do there. Day before yesterday I met these people, they're both wonderful, one of them a recovering addict. Turns out they're making it into a shelter of sorts, where people can just walk in and be themselves, share whatever knowledge they have, learn whatever someone else is sharing, or just have coffee or play a game. They were so very happy to have my ponies there to pet and just enjoy their presence, so I said, what if my ponies can do more than that to help the people you give shelter to? I offered to be there every wednesday, to teach how to handle a pony, brush them, play with them, really just enjoy the connection between man and horse. They've always been the best therapists I could hope for, a mirror, a guide. And now I get to share that with people who need that just like I do. On my way back home, with my youngest doggy behaving better than she ever did, I felt things were different. Sun shining, people smiling at me, making small talk, letting me cut in line at the supermarket, little things that feel so good all of the sudden.
It's amazing how this just fell into my lap. It feels like my life has some meaning again. This would never have happened while I was still drinking. I am anxious now but the good kind, to explore what else this sober life has got in store for me.
Can't believe I thought I was done and had ruined it all. Turns out there is always hope.