I think it's sometimes the judgements we hold about people that can feel so painful.
I'm not saying that they are not true... I just notice that when I judge my ex and label him certain ways (like a waster, loser drug addict for example) that I immediately feel bad.
The other day I was thinking about him, and I was noticing that we all have some innocence in us.
I noticed that to me he is someone who is/was a kind man, sometimes he's funny, and he is a drug addict, and all that comes with that.
That is my reality and my experience of it, however the second statement feels better to me. The first one is full of (my) harsh judgements and makes me feel bad.
This has nothing to do with him. It's about me.
Then I can also accept that he makes his choices, and I just happen not to agree with them, meaning I would not make the same choices. And I can respect that he does. And he has the same resources available to him that I do, he could choose something different, people do all the time.
I can choose not to see it as sad because that is disempowering to him (he has a choice therefor on some level this is what he wants/is choosing). Or I can choose to see it as sad and that it is sad FROM MY PERSPECTIVE.
I don't think we can ever truly know what it's like for someone else.
AND there may just be things I cannot see, beyond my comprehension. Not to go too far out here, and how do I know the world doesn't need someone like him to demonstrate how NOT to do things...
I don't know, I just find that sometimes this can open my mind a little and feels a bit less painful.
I think in Al Anon they speak about it as 'Letting Go And Letting God' or surrendering to our higher power.
And that how I see him is just how I see him. It's my view.
There may be things I don't know and I am willing to live in the question.
It doesn't mean I would choose to be around him.
And maybe there is something more. Then it doesn't feel like such a waste. And I can respect him and love him (from afar) as a fellow human being.
Does that make any sense?
It's kind of hard for me to describe.