I'm sorry you have such a negative view of you sleepie, that was really sad to read.
There are lots of us who have battled major anxiety and mental health issues. I have been diagnose with PTSD and a dissociative disorder. When I'm under stress there are long stretches of time that I 'lose' and I simply don't remember afterwards. I have also had an eating disorder and some self-harm. I haven't pulled my hair out, but I've heard of others doing that.
I feel I've overcome or at least made my peace with my 'stuff' and it involved counselling, medication and learning how to meditate.
It's a long road, but one that you don't have to travel alone. But it starts with giving up the drink because that distorts everything.
One step at a time. You are not alone x