Ruthhoney, take care. What matters in all of this is YOU. Have faith that this terrible emotional turmoil can be endured and it will pass.
At some point, you will be able to untangle the feelings that you are having that seem so contradictory and are so intense. I think it is pretty normal to feel this way after having been committed to this man for so long.
For me, it took leaving my now ex husband of 20 years and then having time alone with myself to begin to sort out what really happened and who he really was and how he really treated me.
From what you are saying, this man has been and is waving a whole lot of red flags insistently at you even as his words say the opposite and entice you back into believing him.
He is an addict.
He lies.
He doesn't appear to have committed to recovery.
He punishes you when he doesn't like your behavior.
He probably cheated on you; at the least he denied an emotional relationship with a former girlfriend.
He has no concern for your feelings at all.
This is the truth of who he is and how he treats you from reading what you wrote above.
No matter how you feel or what you imagine or how hard you try to comprehend what motivated him, the facts are that he treated you badly.
I think you dodged a bullet. He is not someone with the history of trust, compassion, love, commitment, or honesty that you need for a good solid marriage.
I think you got free before you got trapped.
As time passes and you focus on yourself, who you are and who you want to be on your own, for yourself, you will believe in yourself more and believe in your self worth. That is hard when you are in a bad relationship with an addict who projects all the bad stuff in their lives onto you and blames you. From my experience, now almost 3 years out of a marriage to an abusive alcoholic narcissistic man, I am so much more content and peaceful and happy. And the people I am drawing toward me are so much healthier and happier. That can happen for you, too. There is life beyond life with addiction, and it is so much better.
Take care, and I am sure many more people will come to post and support you.
ShootingStar1