My Dad - The early warning signs.
I've not been to this forum for over a year now. My mother in law passed away in March last year due to alcohol related liver failure. I wrote her Eulogy and miss her every day. Her 5 year old granddaughter speaks of her often.
Now here I am, with a lot of concerns and questions about my father.
He's been depressed for about 10 years, slowly sinking deeper into poor mental health. Last year he had some stomach issues that landed him in hospital with suspected Crohn's. It appears to be a more generalised IBD but he was in significant pain and a colostomy was mentioned as being a strong option but he declined and things improved a little but he is regularly uncomfortable. Not long after he went on to have a heart attack and a triple bypass, he now suffers with a rare complication causing his scar to be unbearably sensitive almost constantly . All of this has deepened his depression quite significantly.
He's not a physically healthy person, and it is almost entirely lifestyle related. In the past ten years he has gone from drinking at the weekends with the odd one here and there otherwise, to drinking every day after his bypass and stomach issues (to cope with the pain, he says). Before his health problems, he was drinking most nights anyway. He smoked, is overweight, never exercises and is very much prone to stress. He no longer smokes since the bypass, which is pretty amazing for him, but everything else is the same or worse apart from the occasional desire to do a bit of walking in the countryside which always happens to involve a drink or two at the end of the walk.
In the past couple of months, he has on a couple of occasions gotten himself so drunk that he has punched things and started crying about not being able to go on anymore.
I can see that he clearly has a rapidly growing problem with alcohol as self medication. I just don't know what to say or do before this properly escalates.
My mother just sort of encourages him... she organizes binge drinking sessions with their friends and then leaves him to go to bed when he starts crying in his drunken stupor. She buys him junk food and bought him cigarettes when he was first meant to be giving up smoking. She facilitates not out of love, she does these things before he even asks her... because she wants to keep this lifestyle of drinking.
I should also add, both my dad's mum (his adoptive mother, that is) and my mum's mum are/were alcoholics. My mother is very defensive about all things, but especially their drinking. I think she has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol too, but she doesn't drink anywhere near as much as he does and not enough to be considered a problem. It's more that she cannot entertain the idea of not drinking ever again or living a life where their socializing or hobbies doesn't involve alcohol in some way? I think she has a lot of potential to become an alcoholic under the right/wrong circumstances.
It's all a bit of a mess really. I don't think they love each other, my dad seems to really hate his life but doesn't do anything to even try to change it. He just exists. We barely speak, he doesn't let anyone in... he's always been very introvert but I don't think he has any actual functional relationships anymore. It's all very superficial. Nobody really "knows" him and there's definitely a lot going on inside his mind.
How do you reach someone who is hell bent on self destruction? But who is also scared, miserable and lonely... but who doesn't let people in... and obviously wants better, but never tries? He seems so resigned...
I know it's not my responsibility, but I obviously have to at least talk to them. It usually ends in a big fight and me being a bad, judgmental and poisonous person or my sister and I being dramatic, selfish and exaggerating. I live several hundred miles away from them (mostly because I need that much distance) so it's phonecalls/skype/emails/texts and I visit them 2-3 times per year. My sister is going to uni in a couple of months and tries to stay out of the house as much as she can when she isn't working.
I'm rambling... I don't even know if this is the right place to post as I don't think he's an actual alcoholic. Yet.
Anyone been through similar or have any thoughts to offer? I appreciate if you've made it through this incoherent seeming ramble!