D is actively accepting to go with you and he's no dummy. He knows what going to a counselor means, and yet he's still agreeing to go. What may or may not happen or be said with the counselor is out of your control.
That has so much to do with why I do want it to happen - I need it to be something out of my control for my own good.
It's so wierd, my head isn't protective of him, my actions haven't been, right up to utterly letting him go all those years ago. I've been the one to bring this up - still wanting him to be there, still not protecting him - and yet....
My feelings don't make sense to me, which is largely why I'm trying to sort them here first. I know
I feel protective, and I know I shouldn't. My head knows 300% that there's no cause for fear just because I see him gently keeping his balance on a bus, but my stomach feels sick. My head knows that since he started fighting this he's never stopped, through relationship breakdowns, his own personal hell, losing his grandfather only made him fight harder, moving house, changing jobs, again none of which I protected him from, and none of which made him sink back the way he was.
My head knows he's one bloody tough cookie - my heart somehow got stuck in the fear of 1994 watching someone with no will to live. It effects both of us, he senses it but can't say anything I actually DO to protect him - he doesn't like it.
Generally it has got TONS better over time, counselling helped me so much and in day to day life it gets rarer and rarer for me to feel wobbly about stuff. I don't really know why this has triggered feeling like that again - maybe because I'm asking him something hard. Maybe because I do know there's one huge ghost to put to rest.
I promise one thing - I'm not going to ignore or bury this till I've slayed it!!