Do you hear/have you heard this from a member of your family who struggles with addiction? We have heard this quite often from my stepson.
We also hear from his equally or nearly equally alcoholic "friends" that we have all abandoned him.
It is painful to hear. It makes us question whether or not we have actually done all we can to help him. It preys upon or greatest fears and insecurities....and our guilt.
What my husband and I have learned to do over the years is not argue with my stepson, because even with an enormous body of evidence about all the things we have done to try to help him, he will ALWAYS complain that it is not enough as long as he is active in his addiction.
You see, "help" to my stepson is very different from what would actually help him. He wants someone to provide him with a place to live, buy him a car and a phone, pay for gas and insurance and his data and minutes, buy his food and cook it for him, do his laundry, provide him with spending money so he can play "big man in town", and not hassle him about his drinking and/or drug use.
These are things we will NOT do....he is over 30 years old, and it's time for him to learn to live life on life's terms. We won't be around forever to clean up after him.
To keep the FOG at bay (feelings of fear, obligation, and guilt), we remind ourselves of the things we have done to try to help him find his way forward.
We have encouraged and helped arrange counseling, rehab, sober living. We have paid outstanding hospital bills from 3 hospitalizations related to his alcoholism. We have bought him clothes and shoes when he lost everything. The list goes on and on.
What we still do is tell him we love him every chance we have. He rarely acknowledges this during his belligerent, self-pitying periods, but we hope that somehow he takes it in.
If you are going through something like this with a family member who is active in their addiction....I get it. I think most of us do. Please know that what you are hearing is the addiction talking. Our loved ones are in there somewhere, but right now, the addiction is in charge.
Sending peace and love and light to all!
