Morning all,
Well well well. So It is the morning of day twenty three for me. In nine days it will be a month. Sort of daunting and scary if I have to put it into a time frame. So let's leave that well alone and just concentrate on today. Business first.
Physically I am great. Slept like a baby last night. Sleep comes easy even with the emotional demons riding my back. Sleep is uninterrupted and deep. I woke with the alarm clock again which is a bonus. I am not sure if I am dreaming or not as I cannot recall anything in the morning. I do not suffer as much from fatigue anymore, and I seem to have a lot of physical energy, even late into the afternoons and evenings. Dexterity has also improved dramatically. Eye and hand coordination is good too. Hand shakes are gone, so I am not going to mention this again. Cheek numbness is still there, but ever so faint. Appetite is good too.
Mentally, I am sharp and focussed. Not much else to add to this other than playing online chess and reading voraciously.
Emotionally I am stable this morning. I think by just riding it through, that it gets sort of stable on its own eventually. I still stand by my conviction of living the future through the lessons of the past as my atonement. If there is anyone out there that I have offended, hurt, pissed off, what ever, in my past - I am sorry. Really I am, but I am not going to carry on moping about it. Whether you forgive me or not, doesn't bother me and is really your problem now. I have made a few stuff ups in my past, but hey, so have lots of sober people. I am really not going to carry that cross around anymore. After all, I do not walk on water, I **** and I bleed when cut. Only human. If this doesn't fit it with any recognized recovery step/program, so be it. I am analytical and will not just accept beating myself up over some **** I caused. Besides, half the chicks I pissed off in my past would love to put a bullet or ten in me.
So no, I am not going to make a list and go find people and beg for forgiveness. After all the past is behind us. We only have now, this moment as it were, and the future. I am not knocking any program or guide that advocates this at all. I am fixing me now, the only way I know how, through logic and analytical thought. This does not mean that I have not made peace with the **** I have caused. Slowly but surely as I heal I am making peace, but on my terms and conditions. It is the only way to make sure that it is really resolved. Writing some list of crap and burning it is symbolic. This means absolutely nothing to me as it does not mean I have really done anything or got rid of anything.
Well the builders are here. Time to re-route some plugs and lights. Then the final plastering. Can't wait for the fireplace people. Still have to ask my geneticist buddy about the biological and physiological aspects of withdrawal. Especially with regards to the headaches. If you have questions in this regards, fire away and I will pass them on.
Be safe and be strong,
Cheers,
ZAB