Broken Heart
I may have a permanent rift with my best friend of 22 years because of her angry, abusive dry drunk husband. Ten years ago Jane was diagnosed with a very rare carcinoma in her abdominal area that, after surgery, required radiation. The radiation fried her intestines which required three more major surgeries over the following year. She's been struggling a lot since then but managing until her intestines stopped working two months ago. She entered the hospital for more surgery and during the past 55 days I've been gladly doing everything possible to help (bringing special food, getting her three dogs groomed and walking them).
I've rarely seen her husband over the past ten years after going to their weekend house. I was shocked when he constantly belittled her, his tone of voice pure contempt. If I weren't stuck in the country I would have left but I finally told him what I thought of the way he treated my friend (they've been married over 30 years). Of course he got furious with me and we didn't speak the rest of the trip.
I've also been Jane's AA sponsor for the past 21 years, but she's never talked about her marriage and I've learned not to give unsolicited advice. She's a wonderful person, giving, warm and loving, and has been there when I've needed help.
So two days ago, after 55 days in the hospital she was well enough to go home and asked me to help her. I thought it odd, her apartment is only five blocks from the hospital (I'm two miles away), why doesn't her husband get her, but I was so happy to help. We opened the door to the apartment and there stood her husband, looking like a slob having just gotten up at 1:30 p.m. He immediately started yelling at her, why didn't she call to tell him she was on her way. He continued to shout that he wasn't ready, what was her problem, she didn't care that he hadn't even had a shower.
I felt my blood boil as I witness this terrible scene but kept my mouth shut.
The following day I'd offered to wash the dogs since they were filthy and she couldn't. So I confirmed with her and left home, almost got to their apartment and she called and asked if I could come three hours later because her husband needed to take a shower to go out and it was inconvenient for him.
Yesterday I called her and of course she knew I was upset. She said her marriage is none of my business and she didn't want to talk about her husband. I said I will always be there to do anything I can, I love her, but I won't be in the same room with him again.
Of course she's codependent, she lives with an abuser who she thinks is just wonderful (no kids). I've been crying all day at the thought of loosing such a wonderful friend and have no idea what to do or say.
Suggestions?