Hard Truths
Sometimes it feels like I've been at this FOREVER. It has been over four years since I first found Al Anon and related websites. My AH is still drinking, still descending down the spiral of his addiction. And while I am much, much better than I was four years ago, I am increasingly acknowledging some very hard truths about this whole situation. More specifically, I am acknowledging more and more how much this whole thing is royally screwing up my children.
My AH's father came for an impromptu visit over the weekend. While he is not an addict, he is a racist, sexist homophobe who is overflowing with negativity. He was physically and emotionally abusive to my AH and his sisters and their mother. My AH had no contact with him for a very long time, and only re-established a relationship with him around the time he entered recovery and found sobriety (which was about a year before we reconnected and started dating). Due to the distance, we only see him 2-3 times a year.
His visits often result in a small period of improvement for my AH. Part of the escalation of his own disease has involved increasing use of racist and homophobic language, and when he sees it in his father during a visit, it shocks his system enough that he tries to "straighten up and fly right" for awhile, before the inevitable return to decline. We had a huge fight last week after he used the "N" word during a phone conversation (during which he also trotted out his implications that I don't work hard, all our problems are my fault, blah blah blah). He is just increasingly hostile and angry and negative about EVERYTHING as he gets worse and worse.
My daughters (from my first marriage) are so totally over this whole thing. They both cannot stand him, especially my oldest. Their biggest concern about what they know to be an inevitable divorce is that my AH will take his dog with him, and my girls adore that dog. The girls and I talk openly about my AH's issues and about 18 months ago we made a pact that we would not let his problems and attitudes keep us from enjoying our lives. We agreed that he no longer gets to be the most important person in the family. I think we have done well carrying that out over the past year and a half. In many ways it's easier for them, because he is their stepfather and has never really made an attempt to form meaningful relationships with them.
It's my little guy who worries me. Over the past few months, his behavior has gotten out of control. He is about to turn 5, and as his father spends less and less quality time with him, and more and more time complaining about everything under the sun, our son acts out more and more. He was absolutely atrocious during my father-in-law's visit this weekend. And of course, neither my AH nor my father-in-law relate ANY of these behavioral issues to the environment at home. I, however, can no longer deny to myself that my son is being profoundly impacted by his father's disease. Gone are the days when my AH worked 600 miles away and we saw him once every 6-8 weeks. Gone are the days when my AH would "power through" whatever his troubles were, and have wonderful times with our son. Our son is learning to react to the world with anger and frustration, no matter the trigger. It's so hard to admit that we are so far past the point of me being able to protect and shield him. This kid is going to end up seriously effed up if I don't get us out of here.
I'm a good mom. I know I am. I have friends who are very good about reassuring me in that department, especially after a blow up with my AH. I will not fail these children. I feel like I have been failing them, especially my son, for the past few months. That's very hard and painful to admit, but it's important that I acknowledge it, out here, for myself and for the community. It helps me build accountability for myself.