Morning all,
So I have reached my initial goal of twenty one days. More on this later. Let's get the business end out of the way.
Physically I am fine. I slept through and woke at my usual time. I did manage to roll over and catch a few more zzzs. No night sweats last night so I think that was a once off. I had a slight headache this morning. The numbness in the cheek is there, but the hand shakes are gone. My leg and butt muscles feel good. I am famished as usual. I am rearing to go and seem to have a lot of energy today.
Mentally I am great. Firing on all cylinders today.
Emotionally I am like a mirror. All smooth and calm. I don't have much time today for drama. Too much going on around me to worry about this aspect at the moment.
Initially when I started this detox, it was to prove that I could go twenty one days without alcohol. I would then drink moderately from there on in with the occasional binge. I won't say that it has been easy. The physical aspect of the detox was bad initially, and then the emotional aspect took over. I think for me the emotional aspect was the worst. I have not had physical cravings to drink. I have had the AV lurking around a few times. It has even tried to convince me that I am not an addict as I have been without alcohol for weeks. I might or might not be an addict in that sense, but I do have an addictive personality, which is worse. So now that I have reached my goal of twenty one days, I can open that celebratory beer and get back on with the life I used to know?
Somehow, I think not. There are too many things that are unresolved. Emotionally, I am not stable. Physically, not all the withdrawal symptoms are gone. Mentally, God alone knows as I cannot remember feeling this sharp. I don't know if it gets better than that. As a runner, it is very important to get food into your body as soon as you have finished running. This is to aid with the recovery process. The quickest way to do this is to drink something that has all the things you need. In my case - beer. I would run a road race in the morning, be finished by seven or eight and have a couple of beers. I know, energade would have done exactly the same thing, but hey, energade is not beer. I know that I cannot do that at this stage in my recovery, and I suspect that I will never be able to do it again.
So in celebration of my twenty one days, I am sitting here listening to the builders chip away, and am drinking a NA beer as I share my thoughts with you.
So back to my situation. Where to from now? Well sobriety is like ultra distance running. I have finished my 10km, now I have to tackle my 21km. From there I can tackle the 42km and go on to the ultras. Even were it that all my issues were resolved, my wife and I reconciled, bright and sunny skies ahead, I would still only have completed 10km. I would still only be where I am right now. If I took that drink now, happy or not, I would not have the control to stop. My life would descend in to the pits of hell again. I fear that I would be worse off than when I stopped three weeks ago. Never mind that I am in limbo at this stage and that nothing is resolved, I would still drink myself to pieces. Whether my emotions alternate between self pity, hatred, love, fear or anger is irrelevant at this stage. What is relevant is that I actually feel emotion after all this time. If I were to pick up that drink, it would take far more than what I was initially drinking to drown these emotions. For me, that would be signing my own death wish. It is not normal to drink like I was drinking and I think my body was busy trying to do me in.
So what is the next goal? How many more days? When can I have a little test to see if I can control it? I don't know the answers to these questions. I do know that I cannot control it now. So for now I cannot have that first drink. Will I ever be able to control it? I don't know. As long as I don't know, I cannot have that first drink. Do I miss drinking? Not really no. For me I drank to the point of black out or pass out every evening. I don't miss that. The fights, the arguments, the cold shoulder, the passage sex (when you walk past each other and say f@ck you to each other). Do I miss those things? I will answer that with a question - would any sane person miss those things?
So where do I go from here? I will continue to update this journal. I will continue to go back and read it to remind myself of the hell that awaits me if I take that first drink. I will continue to take life one day at a time. And I will continue to stop and smell the roses. They say to forgive and forget. We as addicts can never forget. Forgive yes, but never forget. It is at that moment that we forget that we are at our weakest. We need to remember, is that we do not make the same mistake again.
Anyway, enough reflection for now. Time to check on the builders. These guys are really moving along.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers,
ZAB