Originally Posted by
Somber2Sober 
Where is the line between...
- being a kind, supportive person to the addict & enabling the addict?
- being compassionate to the addict & being compassionate to me?
- allowing the addict to share his suffering & keeping the distance for my own peace of mind?
- doing things to improve myself & accepting me the way I am?
....
sometimes I just have all these questions. some other times I just do whatever I do at the time.
praying for some peace of mind, for the mind to be quiet, to not always be in crisis mode...
Line Drawn:
1. - being a kind, supportive person to the addict & enabling the addict
You draw the line when you realize that nothing you will do will change the behavior of the addict or make the addict stop using. You have to come to the realization that all your money and time invested in providing for or supporting the addict is just a means to an end for the addict to get another fix. This is something that has to click within you though - you have to understand this deeply. Only then will you step away. Addicts are very resourceful. Step away from providing support as a test and see how quickly you will be replaced with someone who can step in picking up the tasks you leave off. I was replaced in two weeks when I left my AH. He moved in with another woman two weeks after I left him and has been with her ever since.
2.- being compassionate to the addict & being compassionate to me?
Is the addict compassionate to you? First think about the question. Addicts have feelings but the feelings they have are directly related to using drugs. Addiction is like a wild fire and soon, without the proper intervention, the wild fire will consume everything in its path. I don't know if you AH can show you compassion when his motives are directly drive by substance abuse, not providing for his wife or being an upstanding husband. You draw the line when you see that nothing you are giving as a wife is being reciprocated. Once again, that will come like a switch too.
3. - allowing the addict to share his suffering & keeping the distance for my own peace of mind?
You need to understand that while you are directly in the path of an addict, you will not be able to have peace. You will be sucked into the chaos of the addiction as if it was a tornado. You have to establish very healthy boundaries before you can allow yourself to have interactions with him to maintain peace. For me, I could not have any kind of interaction because I didn't have any boundaries, healthy or otherwise. My boundaries dissolved as his addiction consumed him. It was difficult to suddenly say "no" when I had been saying yes for so long.
4. - doing things to improve myself and accepting me for the way that I am
Only when you have drawn the line for 1-3 can you do 4.