Originally Posted by JKSGRL

As some of you might know I recently ended a long distance relationship of 3 ½ years with an alcoholic. I shouldn’t even say I ended it because I continue to get dragged right back into it and he still considers me his “fiancé”.

I have in many ways moved on. I am no longer under the delusion that he will change and we will actually get our chance at a real life together. I have given up the hope and dream of becoming his wife, mother to his children, having a home together, growing old together. I know that will not happen and for the most part I am ok with that knowing what I know now.

He relapsed about 4 months ago ( a month before I was supposed to move there, because of this, I stayed put) and it’s been a roller coaster ride of emotions since. He has no job, he lives with his parents, he continues to drink even after several trips to the hospital, even when he has lost most of his friends, his job, his son, me.

He was arrested shortly after I broke things off and I was told he would be there for at least 6 months, I was relieved, I felt I could finally move on for good if he was locked up and I was happy he would be in a place where he would sober up and remain sober.

Then for whatever reason his parents bailed him out, we were all hoping that perhaps sitting in jail for a little while would scare him enough to get it together. It did not. He went right back to the booze.

He has a court date on the 4th (which I would be surprised he even makes) but this one is for another warrant that is related to a DUI. He is pretty certain he will be going back to jail and he won’t have the option to be bailed out this time. Of course that makes me feel relieved for the most part, this to me means I will have absolute peace, but he has used it as an excuse to keep getting wasted and he tries every means possible to keep me in his life. I can’t seem to be strong enough to completely let go. I have let go in many ways, I am taking care of me and moving on with my life here, 1500 miles away from him but I still allow guilt and the old feelings I had get the best of me.

He is up to 2 liters of vodka a day, he mixes this with klonopin and muscle relaxers. He rarely makes sense when he contacts me, mostly just spends his day in his bedroom, drinking and sleeping. Once he wakes up at first I get the sweet, loving man I know, within an hour (after drinking) I am in tears because he turns into the meanest man on the planet! Depressed, whoa as me, angry, sad, confused, talking about his death coming soon, etc., etc.

Anyways my point of this post is that he has begged and pleaded with me to come see him before he goes away to jail or “dies”. I have told him a million and one times, if he is sober or is sobering up, yes, I will come. He promises he is and/or will but of course each day passes and he only gets worse. I am so frustrated and angry and I don’t even feel the same way about him and yet I still actually consider going!

My guilt for this man somehow always makes an appearance. Will he die soon? Most likely, at the rate he is going. Do I even think he cares that he will die? No, not anymore, he used to fear it, now he says “if it’s my time, it’s my time, that’s for God to decide”. He has also recently gone on and on about how he is granted eternal life and because of all of his suffering here on earth, he has a better life waiting in the afterlife. I feel as if he wants to die. I think this a very dangerous way to think, we have VERY different religious beliefs, but in any case that’s not relevant to this. My point is, I think his death is in the near future and he isn’t going to do anything to stop it.

My hope is that he does get put back in jail and is there for a VERY long time so he can sober up, stay sober, get healthy and hopefully gain some valuable lessons and perspective so he can come out a better man for it. Not for my sake, no if he goes to jail that’s my way of finally getting the chance to move on for good since I can't seem to be strong enough to do it on my own. Now I just want him to get better for himself and his son and the people that love him.

So why go see him on the 29th? I don’t know, the thought that it might be the last time I ever see him. The hope that I can feel those feelings of love again. I haven’t seen him in 4 months, regardless of all the BS and my determination to let go for good, I still love him and miss him and miss the way things used to be. I hate the idea that if he does die or he goes away for a very long time that I might have just missed that opportunity to see him. Is it worth it????

He has managed to allow 2 previous trips to fall through because he was drunk or sick from alcohol. I have told him since that I will not see him if he is drinking, but he only has continued to drink and can’t understand why I can’t just dismiss that and come see him. The the fact that he’s dying or going to jail should be reason for me to make an exception in his mind. Even his parents and best friend keep getting on me about it, saying that he needs me and my support more than ever. I feel like this is so unfair but of course it has gotten to me and made me question my instinct to not go and keep moving on from him.

Thoughts?!!!!!