Need to rant
OK, so I am not quite sure how this is going to come out.
I am seriously triggered right now.
One of my STBXAH's friends, well his best friend actually although they don't live close, text me today. I had contacted him when it was all going off and I had decided to leave as he is not in recovery and I suspected he is using again (99% sure). I text his friend to tell him what was happening and that I was leaving, as he was in touch when X was hospitalised with withdrawals 6 months ago.
Anyway, for some reason he has only just text me back now today, and the text says "I have spoken to X and I am happy with what he told me"
SERIOUSLY !!!!!!!
I mean WTF.
Why don't these people get it?
Why does no-one believe me (well my family and friends do) when I am the sober one????
OK I am probably crazy codependent, but I was living with him. He is an addict, I know the signs. Why the hell do they choose to listen to his lies?
His family cut me out treating me as though I was 'damaged goods' - someone mentally unstable to be careful of... I'm like HELLO! It's your son who is addicted, not me.
I don't know why this part of it cuts so deep. For me the truth is SO IMPORTANT. And to not be believed, I cannot describe how painful that is feeling to me right now.
Urghhhh,
I'm feeling so horrible and confused right now.
It doesn't help because I have been sort of 'spiritual' about it... I mean I don't regret that, however we have been in email contact and I have still said 'I love you', even though I am separating from him AND I am pretty sure he is with someone else now (as in found evidence of such).
I do love him. However I will not stay with him.
I told him I want a divorce, and he said he loves me, meant his vows, is not with anyone else, it's only me, is in recovery etc etc...
I said we could discuss it in marriage counselling or under professional mediation, as I will only discuss this with a professional involved now.
I don't think this marriage can be saved, however I am open to hearing each other out under supervision. It's more likely to be how we can separate amicably? I guess there is also part of me that would like to support of a counsellor in this conversation, because I cannot make any of it make any sense when I talk to him. However I am not willing to expend the energy to organise it, and I don't think he will.
So it is unlikely to happen.
I expect I will have to go ahead with the divorce soon.
I just have no idea how to go about that. And the truth is I am feeling pretty scared and alone right now.