Just for today
Another call late last night. This time from a staff person at AH's old sober house. Apparently AH called and asked for help; so the person helped get him into a new detox.
I found out AH had pawned his phone to get just enough money for a crazy day of coke, crack, heroin. Then he asked for help. I wasn't even mad at him; I felt relieved to know the truth, and to know he was back in treatment.
"There's always another bottom," someone told me. AH and I both hit another bottom this time. Once again I'm making my way back up.
Someone has said to me today not to get my hopes up too much, as AH is an adult and can check himself out again any time. It was a good reminder. At the same time, I'm just grateful for the relief in this very moment.
In the course of a few days, I have gone through so many betters and worses, it feels almost like a brief flashback of the last several years: the rollercoaster of situations and emotions. The rides have made me very sick. I want to get off this rollercoaster. I want to feel my feet on the ground, to be at peace. The more I get a taste of peace, the more I want to get away from drama.
Today I reached out to some people in the programs - was able to speak with one on the phone and reach another via text. I'm grateful I could say I missed going the meetings and really felt that longing. (Due to my recent injury I haven't been able to get around very easily, but hope to get back on track soon.) There's a phone meeting in about an hour - I look forward to it!
I first learned of the programs by attending some NA/AA with AH, then heard of Al-Anon, then found OA. AH used to tell me that everyone needed a twelve-step program in his/her life. I believe it is true. It doesn't really matter what we are addicted to: alcohol, drugs, food, sex, money, work, fame, people... Even the non-step programs, really, anything that helps us have an honest conversation with ourselves and with others, that helps us heal. I think the same way about religions; I don't know much about them, but I believe at the core, every religion wants us to be kind to the world inside us and around us.
That starts right here. Am I kind to me today? Have I been kind to those around me today? When the phone rings, do I want to answer - and am I willing not to answer if I don't really want to? Do I act and speak with kindness or resentment? It's wonderful and scary at the same time to realize I have the choice. Scary because I am so rarely aware of the choice, of my ability to choose. Wonderful because so far through the day I have exercised this choice in most interactions with others, and hope to continue - just for today.
Just to get me through this day.